Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/20/2008

Question
Hi Erica.

I was with my ex for a year and a half and things were very up and down. He didn't trust me, didn't like me going out, didn't like some of my friends etc. He was quite possessive at times as well. But at times he was the most wonderful person ever! Anyway, we broke up about 5 months ago after a long period of breaking up and getting back together. I dated someone else in between but i didn't work out. And then me and my ex started talking again and he said he had changed and wanted me to give him another chance. So i thought i would. But whenever he tried to kiss/hug me i felt really awkward and wanted to pull away. I know i care for him a lot but i don't think I'm in love with him anymore from the way i felt when he tried to be intimate with me. However, when we weren't together, i cried all the time because i missed him so much! It's like my head and my heart are in two different places.

However, i feel that i need to become independent. I have gone from one relationship to the next and feel that I've forgotten how to be happy by myself. It's hard because all my friends have gone off to uni and I'm still on a gap year. We aren't as close anymore.

I know my ex loves me and really wants to be with me. He has changed from the way he use to be and i know he is trying really hard to please me. But, for some reason, I just don't feel it's right for me to be with him. We aren't the same people and I know we are going in different directions (I'm going off to med school and he doesn't know what he wants to do, I enjoy going out to bars and restaurants and he likes to sit indoors and watch cricket!) It's like when we were together before, i just accepted our differences, but now i want someone who is similar to me.

Basically, i just don't know whether i should be with my ex and just accept the fact that we like to do different things but love each other dearly or move on with my life and hope i find someone who loves me as much as he does AND likes to do the things i like doing?

Many Thanks

Lara xxx

Answer
Hi Lara,
I can tell you from experience that being with someone that you don't have the passion for = disaster.  You have identified some key factors in your email.... you need to become independent and create your own life... that is a fabulous decision for yourself.... you don't need to be with anyone right now.... Give yourself a year... figure out what it is that you want... That is great that your ex has changed, but sometimes too much water under the bridge and you can't rekindle it.  Especially since you guys were broken up for a long time and the passion didn't reconnect.  He may be a wonderful person now, but just not perfect for you... There is someone out there who is perfect for you.... Give yourself a chance to breathe and figure out what it is you love and want out of life... then you will be able to have a healthy relationship where you connect on all 3 levels:  emotionally, mentally, and physically... they are all very important.... Warmest Wishes, Erica