Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/11/2008

Question
I have been in a relationship for the last year and a half and things have hit a rough patch.I am 29 and she is 26. We had a period where we didn't talk for much of a month and we live together. Obviously there was a breakdown in communication and now she says she wants space and time to figure things out.I understand that there is hurt between the both of us and I am trying my hardest to move past that and get back to where we were.I have come to her on numerous occasions to have conversations about things and all it has done is end in arguments and tension. She thinks that one of us should move out in order for her to get that space. She has some friends from work that she has hung out with a few times and stayed out late. There is a guy in that group that sends her text messages and calls her. When i asked about this guy, she says he is a work friend and there is nothing going on. She says that she is "undateable" right now  by anyone else and hopes that things work out for the better with her and i.She says that her heart is with making things work between us. She swears that she isn't interested in this guy and if he has any feelings for her that she wouldn't be returning that same sentiment. I have never had any reason to doubt her in the past, yet due to the anger and resentment that i have felt from her in the last few months, i got suspicious. Maybe i am being paranoid, as i tend to get at times, but for some reason i can't get this situation out of my mind. I want to fully trust and believe what she says and don't want to feel like she is holding back any details to spare my feelings. She has always been upfront and honest and i feel ashamed for thinking otherwise  given the situation and how things have looked. Are there any ways to tell for sure without prying and being to pushy about the subject and further pushing her away? It is going to be difficult to pack up my stuff and leave our home without feeling some kind of anger or frustration. In the end i really want things between her and i to get back to some semblance of normalcy and be able to love one another again. She has said that she isn't in love with me anymore because of the time that we didn't speak and the hurt that she felt. She also has stated that she wants to get those feelings back. I know that this is a gamble and am willing to give it a chance in order to have my girlfriend back. Do you think that she really needs space and time to figure out our relationship, or are there other factors involved as to why she may want that space? She has a lot going on with grad school at the moment and I doubted that she would be able to give full effort to us in the near future, yet i understand that I am no longer a top priority. I have always been supportive of her and still want the best for her. It is just hard to think that she doesn't love me and may never love me again. Any opinion on this would be greatly appreciated. Can we come back from this or is it time to walk away completely?

Answer
Hi James,
With everything that you have stated in your email you are defnitely heading for a dead end street if you don't give her the space that she needs.  I don't know if she has her own agenda going on - she may she may not.  But, what I do know is that she has made a decision that she does need space and needs to be on her own.  Maybe there is a spark with this man, but regardless she has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you right now.  Therefore, the only thing that you can do is not talk about it with her because I am sure you have said everything that you can say, respect her decision, and live your own life.  You have to be prepared for whatever the outcome may be.  If you choose to wait around - you are wasting precious time having your own life.  That doesn't mean that you should date other people it just means that you need to get busy taking care of you.  That way you will have a head start on whatever may occur.  Anything we chase in life runs away and that is the truth.  I know the pain that you are feeling, but there is nothing you can do with what she has decided.  We only have control over ourselves - noone else... As much as we would like to.. we can't control someone else's desires, feelings, wants, and/or beliefs.  I hope this helps.  Warmest Wishes, Erica