Expert: Dana Q - 6/26/2008

Question
I met a man on an internet dating site he is 46 yrs-old and I am 49. We met and it was instant attraction for both of us, so much so, he asked for another date the following day, then again three days later. I had made plans to meet my daughter up state for the weekend as well as the following week. While gone this man talked to me daily and wanted to fly up the following weekend to see me. However, I told him I would be heading back on the next Friday, at that, he suggested I meet him at his beach house located half way back towards my home.
On that Friday as I was heading to meet him, he texted me and said he could not meet me and was to be flown out of state for a new job. I was crushed but accepted the fact it was out of his control, he then said he might be able to fly out/back home that Sunday. We made plans to meet, well Sunday rolls around and the flights were a mess and he didn't get in until that evening. But what upset me was he did not call when he promised, then the following morning we talked and he promised we would get together in the next 48 hours-that didn't happen due to his work-see he works in a crazy industry (movies). Anyway, once again I had to leave town to travel up north, while driving he was sweet and we chatted a lot and then made plans to meet that Friday when I returned.
Amazingly he kept the plans and we had a wonderful evening, it was bliss and he even rented a hotel room for me since it was too late for me to drive safely home. He was a gentleman and just kissed me good-night and left.
Our next plans were to meet the day after the next-Sunday, we'll he texted me and said he was too sick and had the stomach flu, I was once again saddened-see-we had gone two weeks without seeing one another!!!!
But we chatted and had a half-way decent phone conversation. Then yesterday he text messaged me and said for me to find another man who can pay more attention to me since he has to go work on the East coast for the next 3-4 weeks!!!! I was absolutely crushed cause I thought we really had a great connection!!!! He also wrote I would never be happy with him....that night I asked him are we breaking up? and he said more or less yes because of how his job would be taking him away.
I woke up early sick inside and texted him to call me, he did and we talked about the situation, I told him it wasn't fair of him to think for me that I wouldn't be happy with the separation. I told him I would miss him greatly but I am willing to wait for him to return.
I don't know what to think about this guy. He admits his work comes first and he is extremely financially responsible. I think he is a bit of a workaholic, since he works really long days and often weekends.
What should I do? move on? but I just adore this guy!!!!! I am filled with anxiety and frustration....

The last time I spoke with Bob was last Wednesday.  Later Wednesday I drove down to the beach to hang out with a friend, at no time did Bob ever text or call me. I sent him an email on Thursday, I thought it was an excellent email, very thought out and insightful, but he did not respond and I am betting he never even read it. Then I texted him last night, no response, I texted him earlier and he wrote back, was not real meaningful, then tonight later I texted him and have not heard from him, actions speak louder than words and yet I need to be patient.
Thing is the first month we were together he called me several times daily, texted me all the time, so how could he just from that to nothing....? I am really hurt over this and can't seem to pull out of my anxiety and depression.


Answer
Hi Karen,

Thanks for writing to me.  I understand your frustration and disappointment over this situation.  It sounds to me like Bob has been honest with you about his lifestyle.  Even though you may be willing to put up with his job situation and the distance, he doesn't feel it would work out.  He is avoiding talking to you because he doesn't see this as a viable relationship, and he doesn't want to hurt you by stringing you along, getting your hopes up that this will be something permanent.  Since you have told him how you feel and said that you are willing to work with his schedule, you can rest assured that he isn't willing to budge on this.  You can't convince him that this will work out, and you shouldn't try to.  At this point, you should accept that it is over and try your best to move on.  

While this is certainly not the outcome you were hoping for and it is disappointing, remember that you weren't together for that long.  It's possible that this relationship may not have worked out even if the two of you had been able to work around the job situation.  This is a case of "wrong place, wrong time" and you shouldn't take the fact that he ended the relationship as a sign that you aren't desirable.  Sometimes things just don't work out, so you shouldn't dwell on this too much.  In time the pain will ease, and you will be able to go back out into the dating world again.  Don't let this discourage you from finding the right man for you.

Good Luck,

Dana Q