Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/3/2008

Question

Hello, thanks for reading. You helped me in the past and it was very useful.

Me and my bf have been together for 7 months when we split up, then got back together more than a month later. We've now been together for two weeks. I am 20, he is 22. We love and care about each other v much, we connect so well at every level. He is my ideal man. During the last months together, I had many personal problems that made me grumpy and he was under a lot of pressure from work and stress,saw each other a lot, happily in love but argued a bit.  I relied on him , and not giving much of myself during that time but asking a lot from him. I now realize I was very needy and possessive when I should have been understanding.He split up with me , which I understood, we couldnt go on this way. We still loved each other. I asked him to stop contacting me to help me heal, I was horribly hurt and so was he. During the breakup, I learned how to be more independent, made new friends and hobbies, did everything to make myself happy while I was still madly in love with him. A month later, he finished exams and called me to say that now the pressure is not there anymore, he feels ready to try again and he still loves me. We met up and we rediscovered the person we fell in love with, I genuinely changed and I feel so much better knowing I can be single,independent and happy at the same time - he 's no longer my one source of confidence. Although I knew exactly what split us up and I changed my ways, I had trouble trusting him to stay. But he was very understanding - he said he never wants to lose me again and that if we change our ways it could be amazing. We had 3 magical weeks together, half being just friends, the other half being lovers again. Things are much easier when we don't feel guilty to have fun without each other, and we are so lively and happy because we see each other when we want to and actually did stuff together, not just hung out in bed. He started making commitments and plans, I can see myself being with him for very long and him too. He even invited me on holidays with his family I never met before.

But during the holiday with his family, I was feeling the pressure and it made me distant and a bit moody. I really wanted to make a good impression but that made me so shy. At some point I even felt I didn't love him that much - but just for a few hours. I had some of the best times of my life with him there,so in love, but when we came back, he told me he wasn't happy about me being moody sometimes. He didnt make a big deal of it, but my bad memories came back, as the last time we argued, he left me.  I felt rejection all over again, I felt that if I am moody for a bit, maybe he overlooks all the great times and wants to break up with me again. And  the painful memories make me so fearful I want to stop the relaitonship now before I get hurt again.  I don't know if my lack of trust is normal. We feel so in love when we are independent, in the past we had a pattern. We'd d be happy, we end up getting too close,take each other for granted, spend days in, doing nothing just the two of us, until we are quiet and bored, just having sex. Then we distance each other, see other people, do our own thing, then we are happy to get closer and in love again. I wonder if this is a normal pattern or if it means we are  in an unhealthy codependent relaitonship. I do not feel I need him anymore, I love my independence,I love him when we both feel free to love each other. Does every couple need to make efforts to keep the love alive? Or does it mean we are not compatible? Why dont I feel so in love when I get scared I cant trust him,or when we spend too much time together doing nothing at all?

Thank you , im sorry it was so long, i though I would put as many details as possible.

Answer
Dear Elena,
Congratulations first of all for getting your own life.... It may not be him that you aren't trusting, but rather yourself.  It is very important to maintain your own life while you are in this relationship again.  The life you created for yourself made you very happy so you NEED and MUST continue to be that person that you grew to be and have your own life and then the 2 of you come together in a healthy manner.  It's ok to be shy, but are you feeling that you aren't good enough again or are you just having some anxiety because you are in an uncomfortable social environment?  Remember that you are FABULOUS and deserve to be happy.  But, please don't lose yourself within this relationship again because that could be very detrimental to yourself and the relationship.... Keep doing what you were doing when the 2 of you weren't together - just add him to your wonderful life.... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica