Expert: Dana Q - 6/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: "Hi Dana! My girlfriend just broke up with me after 6 years of being in a relationship. We are both 24 years old. I am currently a student pursuing a medical school career and she has just recently graduated from nursing school. We've been dating seriously for 6 years since junior year of high school. Despite attending schools (college) 2 hrs away from each other, my girlfriend would always make an effort and drive over to see me every weekend throughout our relationship. Moreover, (this past year) I moved to a more prestigious school that was little bit closer to her school and we both thought it was good news for our relationship. Yet, I would be busy with school work and research and couldn't even give a simple evening-night call to my girlfriend...sometimes even not picking up her calls...in essence, just neglecting her effort. Well, this has been going on for about 4 months and she began getting emotional support from another guy. In the meantime, this guy would talk to her and buy her small little gifts to make her happy while I was too busy for her. Last week, my girlfriend had  graduated from nursing school and had numerous grad parties to attend. Thus, I decided to give her time and have her own space to have fun and...didn't talk to her too much on the phone. Her reaction was frustration and disappointment in me for not even calling her during the week. Also, with all this building up...we were arguing and I eventually yelled at her and told her some things that went overboard ("f*** you and go f*** yourself"). She then said that she doesn't have the energy anymore to continue with the relationship and that's how it ended last week.



Okay. It had been two days since the breakup and she decided to talk to me in person (since the breakup was over the phone). We talked and understood what I was going through at the moment (family illnesses, personal troubles, dilemmas, etc). She said that she doesn't have the energy to make the relationship work and that she has lots of things on her mind. Some of the things that were on her mind was the Nursing board exam she needed to pass, my anger that she thinks can't change, the guy that bought her little things and supported her ..suddenly, telling her how he likes her after our breakup, her first new job in the work force next month, etc etc.

But the thing that got me confused was our meeting. We talked, kissed each other, and cried with each other and she held my hand and tried to soothe me. Then, she suddenly asked me to give her space and time to think about what she really wants to do. She told me her heart is hurting because I had hurt her..and that she cannot open up her heart to me as before at the moment. I was basically begging her to believe that I've changed and I now know what I want in our relationship and what is important and show how appreciative I am of her..But I knew it was a little late because I realized it after the breakup.



Well, two days had passed since that talk...and I decided to win her heart back. I told her that I would do whatever it takes to win her heart back that night when we had talked. I wrote a 6 page letter with 100 things why I loved her and surprised her in the morning with flowers to make her feel better. She seemed to love it and tell me that she really loves me. But she also mentioned that another part of her heart can't believe that I've changed ...since change takes time. She said she wants to believe it but her heart just can't at the moment. And she told me to give her time and space to figure it out for herself. That sometimes...my constant pursuit over her is almost feeling "like a pressure to make a decision at the moment." But I had asked her why she went out on a date with the guy four days after our breakup (she told me before that she wouldn't go into a relationship with others for awhile since it wouldn't be fair to both of us)? I even asked her if they had kissed? My question to you (Dana) is ...why would she tell me the truth that she had kissed him? She said he leaned over and told her he liked her and kissed her and she gave in...But then she tells me that she felt nothing in the kiss and I was a better kisser. She said she doesnt want to talk about why she had kissed him back and that ...she kind of wants me to kiss another girl (note: I've only dated her and never kissed another girl).

But the weird thing was at the end of the surprise day. When I was about to leave, I told her "I love you" and she said she does too..and we kissed and caressed and hugged each other. And I felt something with her. She said she felt something too. She said she felt something in our kiss but nothing in her friend who had been pursuing her for at 4 months now.

What was her reasoning behind this? Why would she tell me all this? What was her motive?

After this, I couldn't help but call her several times a day  (day and night)...and she would tell me not to call her like that because we arent in a relationship no more. She told me once again to give her own space...for she has lots to do at the moment.

I asked her how she can go out and be with her friends in a time like this. I explained to her that I'm really in pain and hopeless and needing her to be my side and can't even think of going out. I apologized to her for hurting her and I asked for her to grant me one wish to win her heart back and have the opportunity to show her. She said she really wants to... but her "reasoning side" tells her not to since it is hard to change that quickly. She even mentioned to me that getting back together is a possibility but will not promise anything to me. She said its too early...after all, it had only been one week. She also said that her heart is only 70 % closed from..couple days ago..she had told me it was 95 % closed to me. Hence, I decided to respect her space. Out of my respect and care for her well-being, I told her that she means everything to me and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (since we discussed this throughout our relationship)...and I told her how proud I was of her for becoming what she has become and for sticking with her decision in a bold manner - even though, I'm not liking it at the moment. I told her I loved her and she told me "you know, I do too." And that...I will not call, text, or even email her for one month (until her Nursing Board exam was over) to help with her healing process and space.

So, I asked her to (at least) make a deal with me and promise me something since, in our relationship, we always tried to compromise for each other. I told her that I would not contact or text or even email her for one month until her exam was at least over. But, I had asked her promise me to contact and see me and celebrate that day with me... when her  Nursing board exam was done in exactly 1 month. And she promised she could do that. Do you see hope in our relationship? What steps should I take to win her heart back? Should I not pursue her when I meet her for the first time in 1 month? How should I act with her? I want to have a romantic date with her..to essentially celebrate that day with her...but at the same time...what if she says she is not ready yet? Or maybe it is too early? Is it too early for one to make a decision? I need help, Dana.



I would deeply appreciate it if you could give me some good advice on what I should do and maybe what she is thinking since she is in the crossroads of her life. I told her my   engagement/wedding plans after graduating from college next summer. But she seems to be skeptical (just a little) because medical school is a long tough road and stressful and...she can't imagine how I will manage the stress level and affect our relationship. Also, note that her job is only 15 minutes away from my school now, opposed to the 2 hr. distance before when she was in nursing school. Can we rekindle our relationship once more? Should I be patient? If so, how can I show that I still have feelings for her, but also show patience and waiting? Can i show my love and care for her by sometimes surprising her at her work with flowers or small gifts to make her feel happy that day (not for me...but to just make her smile)? I don't knwo what the best option is ...thank you for helping me!!!

ANSWER: Hi John,

Thanks for writing to me.  It sounds like your girlfriend is confused about what she wants.  First of all, this is a stressful and difficult time for her in general, with school ending, exams, starting a new job, etc.  She is crossing over into full adulthood, and it's possible that she views her relationship with you as something from her adolescence/young adulthood.  This break-up may have been a long time coming, the result of gradually growing apart due to distance and age.  It sounds like there have been other issues in your relationship (i.e. your anger), and she may have grown weary of waiting for it to change.  The recent lack of emotional support and contact, coupled with your outburst probably made her feel like it was time to move on.  

The thing is that she does care about you as a person, even though she may no longer love you in the romantic sense.  When you have been with someone for 6 years, it is very possible to no longer love him romantically, but to still care about him as a friend and not want to hurt him.  That's why she said she wanted you to kiss another girl - so that she won't feel guilty for kissing someone else and maybe even so that you might find someone else to be with instead of her.  The other guy offered a convenient emotional outlet for her at a time when she needed it.  He probably isn't someone she would normally be interested in, but he does represent the kind of relationship she wants to have.  She didn't feel anything when they kissed because he isn't right for her.  But because you can't seem to give her what she wants emotionally, you may not be right for her either, I'm sorry to say.  This is a difficult situation for her.  She is struggling within herself, trying to figure out what to do.  She's right when she says that true change takes time.  She wants in her heart to believe you'll change, but six years of behavior is much more significant than a few days' worth of "let me make it up to you", over-the-top romantic effort.

One of the main things I got out of your letter was the overwhelming amount of pressure you have been putting on her to make up her mind.  If one of her complaints about you has been that you are too focused on yourself, then you aren't really giving support to your argument that you have changed by essentially saying "I've decided that I really want you, now hurry up and get over how I've hurt you so you can love me again."  She has repeatedly asked you to back off and give her some time, so do it.  You have to accept that she may not be ready to see you in a month, that she may decide she does want to end the relationship once and for all, or that she might want to get back together with you, but she won't be ready to get married in a year.  You can't force this.  It's going to take time for her to heal, if in fact she can.  

As for how to act around her, let her know you care about her, but don't smother her.  Keep in touch with e-mail or phone calls (1-2X a week at the maximum), but steer clear of heavy conversations about the status of your relationship or the future.  With the flowers and the gifts, be careful not to lay it on too thick.  Limit yourself to sending one bouquet of flowers over this coming month (wait a week or two before you do this so as to give her the space she has requested).  Keep it simple - a bunch of wildflowers or her favorite flowers, no roses.  The card should be something like "Thinking of You.  Love, John".  Have them delivered as showing up at her work will put too much pressure on her to interact with you in front of other people.  

Well, I hope this helps.  I know some of it probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but it was my honest and carefully thought-out opinion.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks, Dana.

Although I wanted to hear something better, I thank you for giving it to me directly. Before you replied to my question, I had purchased some concert tickets and cruise tickets for the summer before we broke up. Hence, I called my girlfriend and asked her how she was and then asked her if she wanted to go to a concert that was in 1 month. I had also told her that I went to a concert last night (the concert she had wanted to go for a year) with a friend...and she kept asking me who it was..and I just replied as just a friend from school. So I asked her if she is still interested in hanging out just to get her mind off her test...and she said she probably can't because of the nursing exam date coming up soon. But she said she will let me know by the beginning of July. On another note, I told her that  "I know I promised not to contact you and I'm sorry I kind of broke that...but I had to ask you because the concert tickets came in pairs and I needed to sell it to someone else or whatnot.." And then something in our conversation stemmmed off and I told her "that I care about you. That you mean alot to me and the change in me is necessary for you to want to be with me. And I see it. I realize it. And I don't want to hurt you like this constantly. You are somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with you. I want to hold your hand and walk the parks. etc.. I want you to heal...and I want to give that space...and if not talking to you is a step forward in dealing with that...then, I'm willing to do this for you. I don't knwo if you will heal today, 1 month from now, or 1 year from now...regardless, I will be waiting for you to give me that one chance to show I've changed for the better. She said she wants to talk about it and think about it once her nursing exam is over. Do you think I should not talk to her until the end of her exam? I even asked her "if she is not wanting to be with me and she's not  feeling anything for me...she can tell me that so I don't have to try to pursue her anymore and bother her."

On a side note, my girlfriend asked me something that bothered me. She asked me if I had talked to two of her friends...and I said yes. I even explained what I talked to them about. One girl was how I should handle this and not keep hurting my girlfriend...and two...I needed to get her working schedule to book a ticket (this was after the breakup). I asked her is something wrong...and she replied that it was just weird. Also, do I tell my girlfriend that  her close friend/roommate tried to hook up with me? How am I suppose to tell her this right now? This roommate had been  telling my girlfriend every night that she shouldn't be me for no reason. Ever since the night she tried to kiss me and things got awkward, my girlfriend kept telling me how she would tell her for no reason sometimes how she should leave me. My girlfriend even thought it was odd and that she might be jealous with our relationship. I don't know...what should I do?

Anyways, this is what has happened so far...and I'm trying to deal with the next step. Help me, Dana! Thanks.

ANSWER: John,

Definitely give her her space.  It's probably best to wait to talk to her after the exam.  As for talking to her friends about her, I have to say I would feel weird if a guy did that, too.  It puts her friend in an awkward position and might seem a little stalker-ish to her.  Just relax a little.  She knows how you feel because you've made it very clear that you want to be with her.  She needs time to think, and the more you put pressure on her, whether it's direct or indirect (such as through her friends), the less attractive the idea of getting back together with you will be.  I wouldn't tell her about her friend coming on to you; there is no need to complicate this situation any further right now.  If you do get back together and you feel like she absolutely needs to know, tell her only once the relationship is stable (this is far into the future, if it is even necessary at all.)

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Dana! You helped me put some things into perspective. My plan is to not speak to her as I had promised. That will give her some space and time to think about things. I am just afraid that she will never give me that second chance. As you are aware, she never gave me a firm answer on what she wanted.   But on July 20th (the day before her exam), I plan on sending a bouquet of flowers with a small note - "Thinking of you and missing you. Good luck on your Nursing exam!  Love always, John." Do you think this is a good idea?

Another thing is...she sees my screenname and I see her screenname when we both go online every morning. But wouldn't it be weird if we go online and not talk or will not talking to her show that I am respecting her space? Help me on this issue. I miss her. I love her. But out of respect for her, I'm trying my hardest to not contact her. What should I do?

Answer
John,

Sending the flowers would be nice.  However, I would probably limit the card to saying "Good Luck on Your Nursing Exam!" and sign the card "Love, John" rather than "Love always".  You don't want the card to be too heavy.  She knows how you feel about her, she knows that you love her and miss her.  She'll know that you're thinking of her because you sent the flowers.  By limiting the topic to something that is very important to her like the exam, you will put the focus back on her.  You don't want to make it about you by pointing out how lonely you are without her.  This is important because it will show her that you are putting her first.

As for the screename thing, stick to your plan of giving her space.  Don't contact her through any means until the flowers - no phone, e-mail, IM, texting, IMs, etc.  Give her the chance to miss you as much as you miss her.  If this is meant to be, she will give you the second chance you long for.  But trying to force her to make up her mind will only push her away.

Dana Q