Expert: ***ERICA*** - 7/7/2008

Question
I have been a relationship for the last 6 years and just recently broke up with her. We have been together since I was 20, she had just turned 21. Things have not been good for the last year and a half or so. The biggest issue in the relationship was that she didn’t give me any space. The first few years in the relationship I would hint that I needed my space hoping that maybe she would catch on and I would not have to ask for it. But it was just worse, she would find something for us to do together or plan something during the time, and while we would have a great time together at the moment it would drive me crazy when I thought about it later. When she would finally give me some space she would call me so often that it was embarrassing to me how frequently my phone would ring. One of the few times that I went out with my friends I recall getting 52 calls from her in a span of 6hrs! I always felt her insecurity was just overboard. Since day one I was faithful to her and made it a priority to earn her trust, in which I was very successful but even then I couldn’t be out of her sight a few minutes because I would get a call and if I didn’t answer the phone she would drive to my house to see if I was there and wait for me to come home if I wasn’t. If she didn’t go to my house she would call my parents, brothers, friends, etc. anyone she could get a hold of, this would absolutely drive me insane.

Our arguments started getting more serious with us screaming at each other and even breaking up a few times. I truly love her and care for her so much but it has gotten to the point where we are just hurting each other too much. She is the kind of person that if there is a problem she wants to talk about right away, which is a good thing but if Im upset I tend to raise my voice which is why I’d rather take a time out and be alone and then talk about it when I’ve cooled down but she will not even allow this. I know she is not a bad person and that she doesn’t do this to hurt me but I cant live like this, my space is very important to me, there are other people in my life that are very important to me and need my attention also. But this is something she just cannot grasp.

This last break-up seems to be for good. But I’m feeling so bad I know she is hurting right now and it breaks my heart, I have always been there for her. I know that if we get back together we will back to the same old routine and I don’t want that anymore, she’ll be happy in the beginning with me feeling like crap because we didn’t fix anything and in few months we will be fighting again.

I know that breaking up was the best thing for both of us. But why do I feel so bad? I feel like I let her down. For the best of both of us, what should I do? Should I be feeling like this?


Answer
Dear Renzo,
You are a kind, warm, considerate, empathetic, etc. man.... Congratulations.  Relationships are not suppose to feel like jail.  Relationships are suppose to be built on trust and respect.  Something within her doesn't trust and she has to take care of that on her own.  Maybe she needs to seek professional help to deal with the issues that she may have.  Only she can be the one to take care of it.  If something doesn't drastically change - you are correct that you will continue on a vicious cycle that will lead to the 2 of you eventually resenting each other.  Also, she may have built her world and life around you so she has nothing to fill it with when the 2 of you are apart.  She needs to create her own life so that she can also bring something to the table when the 2 of you are together.  Since you didn't do anything to ruin her trust - you did the right thing by realizing how unhealthy the relationship was and this may be the best thing to happen to her.  This will force her to take a good hard look at herself and the way she is living her own life and eventually she will have to create a life for herself.  She owns this.. not you.  You are a honerable man to care about the impact this breakup is having on her, but the fact that you feel bad isn't reason enough to be in a "hostage taking" situation.  Without trust there is nothing because life is full of great things/experiences that we can have with and/or without someone.  It's normal to feel bad, but going back without something seriously changing isn't the answer.  I wish you the best of luck.  Warmest Wishes, Erica