Expert: Dana Q - 8/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dana,

This is a followup from the previous question and answer. I hope you still remember my situation. My ex-gf and her family sent a "get well and we will be praying for you card" to my family last week. To my family, it was somewhat of an insult due to the circumstances surrounding how she is now in a relationship and how she acted towards our family (ie. all proper, genuine, honest, lovely, etc) and ... is now trying to act as a friend of the family still and show that they care. My family has always been supportive and confident in my ex-gf and our relationship. Both our families had dinners once a year together (including extended family members). Moreover, just today...I received a text message from her stating "I just wanted to let you know that my family and i are praying for you and your family. I hope things are ok for you." How can she text me right now, Dana? I'm trying my best to not think about the situation...try to forget everything about her including the good/bad memories. She was so quick to date another guy...a guy she kept telling me was just a friend that just got close over the months...

Dana, what can I do at this moment? Do I respond to her text? Do I ignore her text message? What is her motive of sending this text message and get well card? How can an individual that basically unofficially cheated on a 6.5 year relationship act ...all religious and righteous now? Dana, since you provide me with reasonable advice...I am now seeking your advice on this matter. Thanks.

Also, should I ignore her from now on? She is going to finish up her exam soon and moving out near my campus. Apparently, she is in a relationship that will span one month now. How do I deal with this kind of individual? I feel like I have no respect for the guy and her.

John






-------------------------------------------------------------   Hi John,

There is a very strong possibility that they were seeing each other during your relationship due to the short time it took them to become a couple.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to get over this relationship.  You did the best you could to make it work, but unfortunately it isn't meant to be.  Sometimes a clean break is the easiest way to move on.  I would not recommend contacting her again.

Dana Q
-----------------------------------------------------------

ANSWER: John,

I think she was being sincere about her concern for your family, and I don't think it was meant to be insulting at all.  She may have hurt you by starting this new relationship, but that doesn't mean she wishes pain and suffering for you and your family.  She did not cheat on you in the "official" sense, and it is within her rights to date someone else since you are no longer together.  Certainly her family has nothing to do with the break-up of your situation, and to ignore their card would be extremely rude.  Do the proper thing and send her and her family a thank you note expressing your appreciation for their concern.  Then you need not speak to her again.  The relationship is over, and there is no need to dwell on it.

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dana,

It has been quite sometime since I last asked you a question. And, thank you for helping me get through the 6.5 year breakup. You gave me realistic and honest opinions.

Anyhow, it has been about 1.5 months since the breakup and the ex (who is still apparently in a relationship with the guy I told you about earlier) has tried to contact me twice already. The first time was right after her nursing exam and  she called me to see how I was....how my family was doing?...what I was up to these days?...I just told her the basics and told her my family was doing okay. I talked to her in a way that I was over her and that she meant nothing to me and that I was doing well with what I was doing without her.  

I didn't feel like talking to her at the moment, so I just told her my friend was calling on the other line so I cut her off mid-conversation and told her I would try calling the next day. She said that would be fine.

So it was four or five days later and I STILL didn't call her because she disrespected me by going into a relationship 2 weeks after our breakup and tried to make it seem like it was my fault. She simply broke my heart. So i didn't call her back...but four or five days later, she texts me saying: "I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY WITH YOUR STUDYING AND ALL, BUT EMAIL OR CALL ME TO LET ME KNOW HOW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IS DOING. I HOPE YOUR STUDYING IS GOING WELL :)"

Let me ask you Dana...what kind of girl can text her ex-boyfriend like that after only a month and she's already in a relationship???!! Is she trying to talk to me to be friends? Friends for what reason? She just seems to simply use me. From my perspective, I think she's just trying to rub it in my face. I don't know. What can I do at this moment? So far, I replied to her thru text by writing "sorry, I got home late last night. family is doing okay. i will give you a call sometime."

Can I call her in two months or later? I was doing just fine and she just texts me after only 1 month? Now I know that I wasn't the complete bad guy here. All of our friends are now shaking their heads and realizing what happened. She wanted to breakup with me because she basically cheated on me in an unofficial sense and she couldn't tell me that she had cheated on me again in our relationship. So for me, I don't want to speak to her. But at the same time, my heart is always for forgiving people and getting the best out of the other person regardless of who or what they have done. So  can you help me some advice on my next step?

I would deeply appreciate this, Dana.

JOhn   



ANSWER: Hi John,

Good to hear from you again.  Your ex is texting you because she considers you a friend and is worried about your family situation.  I don't think she is trying to use you or rub your face in the fact that you're no longer together.  I think she still genuinely cares about you as a person.  That being said, you have no obligation to talk to her if you don't want to.  Simply thank her for her concern, and tell her that you would be more comfortable if you didn't speak from now.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Dana.

It has been about a month since we last communicated. I've taken your advice and did not contact her since the text message. However, couple days ago...my ex decided to text me:

"I'm on campus at your college 4 class today and just thought i'd say hi and i hope your exams goes or went okay. I don't want to keep bothering you but if u ever want 2 talk just call"

What does she want from me? I understand that maybe she wants to kind of talk. But from my perspective, she didn't give our relationship a chance and I gave up on her awhile back. My female friends say she's just trying to keep a string out there so ...she can have me as a "just in case" scenario guy. What could it be that she wants? She explicitly told me when we broke up that we won't be able to be friends on the same level anymore...and i decided to give her space and not talk to her anymore. How dare her??!! How can she just text me when she feels like it is okay and not think of my situation with her texts and msgs? Obviously, she was quick to go in a relationship with her "guy friend" and I'm here not being able to get over completely this relationship. To me, she is worthless and I have not respect for such women...

Help me understand this situation , Dana. Thanks

Answer
Hi John,

I don't think she is trying to be friends on the same level you were before.  She probably just wanted to see how you were doing, not to rekindle your relationship.  Have you told her to stop contacting you yet? If you really are as offended by her as you say, it would be best to let her know you'd prefer that she not contact you anymore.

Dana Q