Expert: ***ERICA*** - 7/10/2008

Question
Hello,
My girlfriend and I recently broke up (2 weeks ago) and I'm having a difficult time with our situation.

I'm 31 and my gf (ex right now) is 24.  Our relationship has always been healthy, full of love, respect, trust, communication and committment.  More importantly, we truly are the best of friends which has provided us with a very solid foundation and it's something we both agree upon.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is enduring some hardships at the moment which has caused her much confusion in relation to herself and in relation to us.  When she was 18 y/o her best friend committed suicide.  Throughout her youth, both of her parents were married and divorced numerous times and recently (April 2008), her step father (her father figure from the ages of 4-18) passed away both unexpectedly and suddenly.  She has never taken the time to heal or deal with any of these issues and it was with the loss of her step father that our relationship really began to suffer.  Though she'll tell me she's not depressed, I've definitely noticed a change in her behavior. She's lost weight, she's indecisive, she's uncertain about the future, she has no interest in being intimate, etc.  Additionally, her change in behavior would lead to little arguments that typically wouldnt be an issue for us.

It was a mutual decision to break up because she has said that she needs to be alone in order to focus on herself and the things she needs to address. I want nothing more than to be a support system for her and walk her thru this, but she's made the decision that it's not fair for me to wait around for her; this is something she wants to do alone.  

When we broke up, we both looked at each other, said 'I love you' and agreed to try again when she's well and emotionally healthier.  But, in the next breath, she told me to not wait for her because that wasn't fair to me. She's told her friends that she knows she'll never find someone like me, but then, why is she so willing to let me go?

If she truly loves me like she says and I know that I love her with all that I am, why wouldn't I wait? It is so wrong for me to hope that, with time, we can be together again??

Answer
Dear Hopeful,

She may need to take some time for her... I think that you should surround yourself with great people and let the cards fall as they may.  They say that when you really care about someone there is nothing that will stop you from wanting to be with them.  Is it wrong that you are hopeful?  Of course not.... but, is it the best thing for you to do?  NO.... Hope doesn't allow you to move on.  Place her in special place in your life and mind and try to live your life without her in it.  You may find new interests, new people, new experiences, etc.... This may be a great time for you to discover things about you.... Try to take some time with no contact and see where that leads... you will know soon enough and when you are tired of waiting.... you will move on ..... Good Luck.. Warmest Wishes, Erica