Expert: Dana Q - 7/16/2008

Question
I'm 26 and have been married to the man who was my first boyfriend for 4 years now.  I love him but lately the past few years he has started getting worse tempered and angry.  He will go for weeks without talking to me or kissing me because of some reason or other.  At first I really thought I must of upset him unintentionally and asked him he would just ignore me until he was over his temper and then start hugging and kissing me out of the blue.  When I'd ask him what set him off so I wouldn't do it again he will say "you know what you did" or else he gets mad again.  Most of the time he is sweet and says how much I mean to him and I'll be his forever but lately that's kinda scaring me because he started not only being silent but even when I say something about hey babe look what's on t.v. news, etc he got really mad at me and said I just want to slap you sometimes I can't stand how stupid you are!  I never know how to respond to these outburst because they seem so irrational.  At first I just let him be for a while because I didn't want to get physical because then I would have to leave for good.  I do love him but it seems like something sets him off everyday now and he keeps telling me that he owns me and can do whatever he wants to because my body is his, and he goes out to his baseball games and practice about 4 days a week until 11pm but if I even visit my mother on the way home from work and didn't check with him first he is furious and says I am cheating on him.  I don't know what to do.  All my family wants me to leave him but I want to know if there is anyway to make it work or anything I can do to help him.??

Answer
Hi Mindy,

Thanks for writing to me.  Since you say you have been married for four years and he has been acting this way for "a few years", I can see that this isn't just being moody or depressed; it's a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse.  You need to leave this situation now because abusers do not change and abuse becomes worse over time.  Here are some links that will help you understand the nature of abuse:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

General Info http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Cycles of Abuse http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effec...

Please read through them; they have a lot of good information.  You need to take your family's advice and get out of this marriage now.

Good Luck,

Dana Q