Expert: Dana Q - 7/15/2008

Question
I'm 26, and she is 31. It was a 5-year relationship, and we've lived together for 3 years. We were very compatible living together, fought ocationally like every couple, and always cared about each other. The reason I moved in with her 3 by ago is because she wanted to move out of her house, and even though I wasn't crazy about moving in with my g/f and it was my first time, I still did. Anyway, it went well, we bought things together, loved each other, went on vacations, and had a good life. On the other hand, during these years I have been going to school full time, working, and definitely busy. I'm still going to school, and plan to be in school for 3-4 more years. During the last couple of years, my ex started talking about us being more serious and marriage (scary), kids, etc; things that I knew I didn't want at the time, and still don't want (maybe later). Pretty much that is what we fought about, because she felt she was ready and I didn't, so I'd always try to change the topic. Anyway, the more I thought about marriage, the less I wanted to be in a relationship with her, not only because I still have a lot of school work ahead, but because I still feel attracted to other girls, and vocationally I cheat on her. I also like to go out with friends (guys or girls) just for drinks (I'm not a party animal, or a drunk), but my ex started not liking that because she though I had time for them and not her.
A few months ago, I told her about me not being sure about our relationship because I don;t want to get married yet, or have kids (I didn't tell her about the cheating), so we broke up, but a week later we were back together. I though I would give the relationship a second chance, because I do love her, and care a lot about her.
So, a few months went by where everything seemed to be ok, we went on our planned vacation to Colombia for 2 weeks, and many times I though she would be the perfect person to marry, and I though that my destiny is just to marry her. We came back from our vacation, and I started overthinking again whether to be in a relationship or not since I feel attracted to other girls. I always meet girls at work, and again there was this girl I always liked and she was going to go away, so we ended up having sex. After that I started thinking that what I'm doing its not right. First, my ex loves me so much. Second, I already gave my relationship another chance, and obviously it didn;t work. Third, it's not fair for her to have to wait for someone who is not ready for marriage. Fourth, I can't sleep with other people and come back to her later.
So I broke up with her 2 days ago, I though about it a lot, but that was the best decision I could come up with. She was heartbroken, and seeing her like that broke my heart too. She still wants to work it out. It was very sad to break up, because believe it or not I love her, but I don't know what its happening to me. I still want the freedom to see other girls, and thought that being alone would be a good thing for me. But now at home I feel lonely, I miss her , I miss all the things we did together, I think of her a lot, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this break up thing. I thought I'd be happier, but I'm not. What should I do? I feel that if I let her go I would loose somebody who loves me no matter what, and I don;t know if I'd find someone like that ever again. Please help!

Answer
Hi Dan,

Thanks for writing to me.  You did the right thing by breaking up with her.  It wasn't fair to her to keep leading her on, and being unfaithful to her while you were doing it.  I don't think she would have stayed with you if she had known what was going on.  The moral of this story is that love alone is not enough.  In order for a relationship to work in the longterm, there has to be more than just the feeling that you care about the person.  There needs to be passion and a strong desire to be with only that person.  It's OK to still feel attracted to other people, but the moment you act on it, there's something wrong.  

It sounds to me like you were talked into living together when you should have just stood your ground and told her you weren't ready to make that kind of commitment.  You can learn a lot from this experience.  The pain that you are feeling right now is probably a mixture of sadness that it had to end this way (but it did), guilt for having cheated on her, and fear that you have made a mistake.  It will pass, and there will be someone else.  I'm not guaranteeing that the next woman you meet will be your soulmate, but there definitely will be other women in your life.  This relationship didn't have the right ingredients for marriage.  When you meet the person you are meant to settle down with, you won't have to talk yourself into it.  

Good Luck,

Dana Q