Expert: Dana Q - 7/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: We have been going out for a year and a month and then broke up one month ago in May because she said I was too clingy and the feeling is no longer there because we probably spent too much time together and never really had our own lives and that she now needed space. She had never told me anything was wrong even when I asked and tried to figure it out. She likes to keep everything to herself. We had recently went on a romantic getaway in April after our exams (we are both 21 in 3rd year university) and we had a blast and an amazing time. Then in May the break up occured which to me was completely unexpected. She said that she may like someone else that she has been hanging out with more now(confirmed that she is hanging out with this guy more) I at the time was still deeply in love with her. She said she wanted to still be friends so I agreed and 3 weeks of pushing and pulling cause i was breaking down occured but she seemed completly fine. But now i've learned not to break down and we still talk pretty much everyday (on msn or phone) and we hang out again. She still hangs out with this other guy however. So now we are really good friends i would say and i still listen to her and give her nice little suprises and accepts them and stuff, but she continuously says that things are weird when she sees my parents when she is over and stuff like that. And I still love her and think about her all the time like when you have the special feeling that she is the one. We have many same interest and we are just so good at communicating to each other. I just want to ask how I can get her back into a romantic relationship cause in my heart I want more than just friendship. Do i just be the friend for now and let it come back naturally for her by doing fun things again and always having a great time together like when we first started dating? How do i get her to be attracted to me once again? (cause she lost attraction for me) We dont have mutual friends so when we are together its just us alone! And we bought my puppy together so she still comes over quite a bit. And if she is seeing this other guy? is it just a rebound? How does another guy affect my chances? Do I just keep my feelings inside until she knows what she feels again? I know i still love her so much and I cant give up on her even if it means waiting and being her friend until she is ready. I have tried moving on, but nothing seems to work and im pretty sure she knows how I feel still. I still lover her so much..... what should i do?? cause i just cant give her up and let her go. How do i get her back?

ANSWER: Hi Jeremy,

Thanks for writing to me.  Unfortunately, I think that you have to accept that the relationship is over.  She has someone new in her life, and since she was the one who ended it, it's up to her whether she wants to get back together with you.  All the signs seem to indicate that she just wants to be friends - the fact that she finds seeing your parents weird is a big indication that she doesn't view you as a romantic partner anymore.  You have to accept that she may never want to be anything more than friends again.  Trying to pursue her at this point will only make you seem more clingy and as if you can't handle being without her - neither of which will help you to win her back.  I wouldn't recommend remaining friends with her, because it sounds like it's just too painful for you.  She doesn't want the same kind of relationship that you do, and it's highly unlikely that that will change.  Try your best to get past this relationship by at least limiting your time with her if you can't stop seeing her all together.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Most of her friends are however guys! I was just speculating and this could be just a guy friend as she needs to hang out with other people than me. The other day she told me dont force things and let it come back naturally? does that mean anything? and in the car the other day we were singing TOGETHER a song where it says "Love's not enough when you say it
Don't you know you've gotta mean it " and "Take her and make sure she feels it
Let her know you'll never let her go " and she replated it 3 times. A few weeks ago she phone in the middle of the night for no reason but just to talk. When we are together we are having fun hanging out and happy and I know there is something there for me. Do you think that there is still something for me? I shouldve included this in my earlier question. Right now I just can't give up and still love her...

Answer
Jeremy,

Listen to what she has said to you: "Don't force things and let it come back naturally."  That should tell you all you need to know.  She is saying that there is a possibility for the two of you, but that you need to relax.  She broke up with you because she thought you were too clingy.  The more you try to force the issue, questioning her about who's she with and the like, the less attractive you will make yourself.  Show her that you can control those impulses, and you may very well get a second chance.

Dana Q