Expert: Dana Q - 7/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dana,

I'm 21, my girlfriend's 23, and we've been having issues for the past 7 or 8 weeks. We've been together since November, but have been an item since we met last July. A few months ago, i began the slow process of being able to look at other females again. At first i just pushed that down because i didn't want anyone to draw my attention away from my girl and still don't, but it's gotten worse since then and i haven't been able to deal with it very efficiently. It always makes me feel guilty and i get all kinds of post-relationship thoughts, and i have this feeling inside that i have to battle each time.

She and i haven't had a dream relationship, but we've felt strongly for one another since the beginning and share many key things we never had in a partner before. Our chemistry was like nothing either of us have ever experienced. It must be said however, that while i've had sexual relationships before, she is the only girl i've had intercourse with. She's also my first serious relationship. However, i am her 4th serious boyfriend.

These "post-relationship" thoughts came about when one day at the park, she saw a barbecue with a bunch of people and their kids. She walked away for a minute to cry, but she didn't tell me what was wrong until a couple hours later.  It was then she told me that she was crying because she knew she would never have that with me, regardless of how we felt for each other at the time, because my inexperience with other women would eventually and inevitably bring us apart. I cried after she said this, basically knowing and confessing with my tears that she was likely right. Ever since that day i've had that in my head, thinking about how i'm gonna handle the rest of our current relationship, and sort of just waiting for its demise.

In the past several weeks, it's been the worst it's ever been. In the past month, i haven't been able to be emotionally connected to her like i'm used to. Sometimes i couldn't even feel good about touching or caressing her in bed, and sex almost always took most of the remaining affection away even if it brought us closer to one another. Last week Thursday, she kind of broke up with me because of an argument about something related to the relationship dilemma mentioned above. The next day i picked her up at work and we spent the night together, talking and trying to find a remedy for our situation. But every time we've talked this past month, i have never been able to find a perspective that suits me and makes me feel good about us. I just think about the end, when it's coming, and how it's gonna happen.

Every day i wake up with my chest pounding and thinking that i shouldn't put her through this when i've probably already checked out of the relationship mentally. I always fight this morning feeling, and over the past few weeks it's placed me in a state of depression. Can't sleep, eat, think about anything else, i fight my own thoughts, my heart is always thumping, can't do any of the things i like to do, can't focus in school, can't find anything good in anything. Earlier this week my mother took me to the hospital so i could talk to someone, and they diagnosed me as having depression. I think i've been depressed since late childhood, but this relationship has really taken its toll on me because i want and believe so badly that it can work. If it weren't for the pesky fact that i don't have anyone else i can really compare her with, my mind wouldn't be racing and panicking like this and i'd be able to enjoy our relationship again like a normal person.

Since January, we've been planning a trip to Europe, which is scheduled to take place a month from now. There is pressure on us from this, since we don't know how we should handle it given the circumstances. I still want to go, but i don't necessarily feel great about it at the moment. We know there's a chance it might make things worse, but we also know there's a chance it could take my mind off of stuff (because i'm the one with the issues) and bring us closer together. One of the biggest reasons why i've grown critical of our relationship and why i think it's gotten to this point so soon is that we haven't been doing much together over the past several months. We used to go to museums, restaurants and all kinds of stuff earlier on, but we kind of fell into this cycle of just being in bed or indoors all day, doing nothing in particular but either having sex or talking. Both are good, but it made the romance stagnate a little bit.

So finally, my question. Is it possible for us to repair the relationship at this point? I feel that the issues are all in me, that i just need to get some perspective, and that our habits and activities have taken the romance out of the relationship. Although i have been somewhat lusting for other women, this girl is worth more to me than my sexual exploration. I attribute those desires to my escapist tendencies since we haven't been good for a little while. We both believe i'm overreacting because we're out of the "honeymoon phase" and i have a tendency to both over think things and as escape from relationships, all of which added to my loss of interest. There are a lot of factors contributing to this state i'm in, and i just want some clarity with a good bit of positivity. Maybe i am being deliberately naive about my feelings, but i know that we can make it work with a little bit more effort. All we've been doing for the past couple of months is talking instead of doing. I just need to know if this can be turned around by either changing our routine, counseling, my therapy sessions which start next week, spicing things up somehow, or taking a break before or during the trip to Europe. We don't think we're done yet.

Please help. I'm willing to follow-up with you as much as necessary. Thanks.

-rollin

ANSWER: Hi Rollin,

Thanks for writing to me.  I think you are being too hard on yourself here.  First of all, there is nothing wrong with looking at other women, so long as you are not acting on your desires or allowing other women to distract you from giving your gf appropriate attention.  Secondly, not all of the issues here are yours - she has had a hand in this, too.

What puzzled me about your letter was that your gf felt your lack of experience would be a hindrance to a longterm relationship.  Not everyone has a lot of romantic attachments prior to marriage, and there are plenty of married couples who were each other's first loves.  It really doesn't seem like it should be a problem.  I can only guess that your gf suffers from a lot of insecurities about this situation - either she feels awkward and guilty about having more experience than you do, or she is fearful that you will become restless with her and want to see what else is out there.  You can only do so much to reassure her; she has to have a little faith in you in order for this to work.

I think it's entirely possible to salvage this relationship at this point.  My suggestion would be to have an honest discussion with her about these insecurities.  Let her know how important she is to you, how upset you have been lately, and how much you want her - and only her - in your life.  Then, begin doing things together again.  Having fun together is the best way to keep the relationship fresh and interesting.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Dana,

Thank you very much for the reply. There's nothing more welcome in a time of confusion and emotional unrest than good intentions from others.

Some have told me the same thing about looking at other women, but i just can't help the feeling of guilt it gives me sometimes. Honestly, i do have that curiosity for being with other females, but it's not so strong as to make me act on them to any extent beyond the occasional release of sexual tension in masturbation. I've accepted the fact that i will most likely engage in other relationships before i'm old, but I have no problem being with the girl who took my virginity right now. She is a special person in my life and will remain as such lifelong. My biggest fear is that this troubles me so much because i might not "like" the girl anymore.

I still harbor a sexual attraction to her, she's very appealing. And i still enjoy talking to her and spending time together, so i dunno if this is just the rough patch one must go through following the dissipation of the honeymoon stage. But it really bothers me that i feel like the mystery and excitement of the relationship is gone. Lately (past few days), i treat her like more of a friend (with benefits, obviously) than a girlfriend because of this. Every day i wake up with my heart beating, thinking things like, "if you can't make her happy as a boyfriend, be noble and let her go now". It feels like my subconscious tries to make me realize that my heart's not in it anymore and that i shouldn't put her through unnecessary pain, but when i fully wake up i usually talk myself out of that.

I really don't want it to happen that way. My history of escaping relationships when the excitement is gone makes me want to reverse it and fight for this one. I'm just confused by the general feeling of our relationship now. It's too comfortable. Sometimes i feel too much like a regular uninterested boyfriend, or not like one at all. I think that part of what is causing this uncertainty is the fact that i am unhappy with my life in general, and for the better part of our relationship i placed the burden of making me happy on her. Now that my butterfly chemicals have subsided, she by herself is not enough to carry me above my issues and i'm overly disappointed by this. That's just my theory. Therapy begins on Friday.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, i want to be with her for a while longer and develop the relationship into something even more meaningful than what it already is. We've booked our flight to Europe and i'm 3 weeks away from spending a month with her and her family/friends, which i really look forward to. On the other, i'm placing my dissatisfaction with my circumstances on her, and i don't know how to address it. I believe it's just the fact that it's summer and things have become too familiar that's making me feel this way, and removing the most prominent thing in my life -- her -- is the easiest thing to look at as a catalyst for change. The fact that she no longer makes me feel complacent and ok with my life is hard to deal with without psychologically blaming her in a way.

I have a really good connection and understanding with her that i don't want to give up. I'm just panicking because i don't know how to handle this phase, and we've had a couple of "sorta" breakups that have forced me to imagine life without her as a possible reality which make me think so much of the "right" thing to do. Should i change something? It's hard for me to focus on my own stuff without feeling like i'm neglecting or trying to forget about her. Will doing more interesting things with her help me shake these negative feelings? Do you think a break would be a wise idea, to give myself some space and help me realize what i would lose? Am i overrating the state of being "in like"?

I'm sorry for giving you essays, but i feel that all this is important to consider. Thanks again, really appreciate it.

-rollin

Answer
Hi Rollin,

First, let me thank you for your positive feedback; it means a lot to me.  It sounds like overall this has been a positive relationship for you, but the malaise that you're experiencing has been misdirected towards her.  As someone who has suffered from severe depression for a long time, I can tell you that a lot of what you are feeling may not be related to her at all, but to deeper problems you are experiencing internally.  Depression has a way of casting a negative light over everything, and the fact that you have a history of leaving relationships once the initial excitement is over makes me suspect that you may not believe you are meant to be happy (a common thought of clinically depressed people).  It could be that you truly care about her and feel secure with her, but don't feel you deserve to be happy so you are creating reasons to doubt the relationship.  It is difficult for me to tell of course, and certainly your therapist will be able to give you much more insight into what is going on.  At this point, I wouldn't make any major decisions.  Begin the therapy, go on your trip and have fun together again.  See how you feel when you return and have a couple of months of therapy and perhaps medication under your belt.  Right now you are not in the proper state of mind to know what you really want, so it's not a good time to end things.

Dana Q