Expert: Dana Q - 7/2/2008

Question
I'm 25, my boyfriend is 35 and we've been together for 5 years. We have been fighting and according to him broken up since February. Before then things were going great, he finally gave the keys to his house, I gave him mine, we were spending everyday together. There were family dinners, trips, we had a great friendship and it all turned sour when I made a big scene about him not asking me to move in. I was tired of the back and forth between my place and his and work, and I felt like I wanted more of a commitment. Looking back on the way things were going, had I been more patient it would  have happened by now, but instead of talking things out with him I packed up all of my things and told him there was no point in me staying at his place living out of bags, when I had my own place and he didn't want to commit to me. I had so many things at his house it took me 2 car trips.  To stop me from leaving he said to give him another month, and to please not go, but I did anyway.  A few days later we reconciled, but I refused to go back to his house, I told him I felt sad feeling like I was not good enough to live there with him.  

We passed the holidays a little rocky, but we got passed them. Looking back now he was hurt that I took all my stuff and left his home, and refused to return. Around January he began to accuse me of cheating with one of his neighbors, which is absolutely crazy. He says he believes thats the reason I wouldn't come back to his house, and it just escalated to the point where he would wake up in the middle of the night and accuse me, call me 10, 15 times a day at work, and all hours of the night. I took my key back, and eventually I told him I felt as if he was doing this to upset and provoke me to break up with him. Eventually i told him the constant accusations were too much and I couldn't take it. Some people say it could be he was cheating on me, but I honestly in my heart do not think that is the case, I think he was under A LOT of stress from a ton of bills, work, tenants, and not having a good relationship with his children (yes he has 2 kids from a previous relationship), and just getting older and not being satisfied with his life. I think he began to go a little crazy, and I didn't realize this until now.

So, since then we have done lots of arguing and since I broker up with him in February, he says he felt like I walked out on him at a time when I needed to be there for him, and he does not feel comfortable getting back with me, but he could work on things and see where they go.  There were many many arguments, and no real resolving our problems.  I love him dearly, but I began to attempt to date a little, make new friends, and even try a little internet dating. I felt I needed to try and let go in case things did not work out, but when it came down to it, no one could measure up to him, and I could not accept the situation. There were times we would fight and not speak for a few days, but never longer than that.

I honestly feel like had I not taken all of things out of his house, taken my key back, and broken up with him, we could have gotten past this. I truly want to be with him and feel like he is the best thing that ever happened to me. We are still talking, but we have been fighting for months. How do I go about fixing this, as we have been apart for so long?  I know we cannot just jump back into a relationship, but how do I make him see that I wont walk out him, and then I want to be there for him and work on what we had?

Answer
Hi FeelingDown,

Thanks for writing to me.  It sounds to me like the fact that you broke up isn't necessarily a bad thing.  After 5 years and no moves towards a real commitment, I think you were justified in taking a stand.  His request for another month shows that he was stalling and trying to get out of a commitment - what difference would a month make given that you had been together for five years?  Was he going to use that month to evaluate whether or not you were good enough to move in with him?  I think the real story here is that he is afraid of commitment.  His accusations that you were cheating on him were either an attempt to talk himself out of committing to you or a cover-up for his own infidelity.  Either way, it's not a good situation.  The constant, harrassing phone calls and arguing suggest that this is an unhealthy relationship.  The break-up was not your fault; he sounds like he has a lot of issues.  You are better off following your original plan of making new friends and dating other people.  If this were the right relationship for you, you would not have had to give an ultimatum to get a commitment from him.

Good Luck,

Dana Q