Expert: Dana Q - 7/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi.. my ex Dave and I have been friends for 5 years.. two of which we were dating.. we broke up about 3 years ago.. We both live in different cities.. we talk about once a month and when any of us are in town.. we get together for beers and catch up.. bottom line.. he's become one of my best friends.. the person I could call up when I am down.. Well a few months ago.. he invited me up to his cabin to stay... separate beds of course.. and there was a chance that other people would stay at his cabin too.  well.. a week before my trip.. he calls to tell me that he started dating someone.. I said "great, I would love to meet her".. I also asked if she was okay with me coming down.  He said she was. Well the day he picked me up from the airport.. dave told me his girlfriend was having second thoughts. So i offered to stay at another friend's place.. or even chat with her.. reassure her that dave and I are just buddies .. nothing else....  Well during the whole weekend.. dave spent most of his time reassuring her.. spending a lot of time with her.. and the time I was supposed to spend with him catching up was lost.. I respected that under the circumstances.. and also kept my distances.. doing other things by the beach..  I also noticed that when the three of us were together.. dave was different.. everytime the two of us started chatting like buddies... the girlfriend's head would sink.. then dave would change and be more reserved.. then there was a party.. where all of us were hanging out and having fun... he was paying a lot of attention to his girlfriend.. but then suddenly she disappeared... dave was worried.. called her.. he asked if I could drive him to her house because he had been drinking.. I said yes.. When we got to her house.. she was there.. dave went in to talk to her.. he then told me that "she couldn't do it with me anymore".. so then I offered to talk to her.. he said it was between them.. everything seems to be okay for now.. apparently she was upset that she wasn't getting enough attention...
here's my question.. dave thinks this woman is the one.. so he is doing what he can to support her.. I respect that.. but at the same.. there's a part of me that wants to express my concerns about a woman who seems to have a lot of insecurities.. eventhough.. we both did what we could to assure her.. that she is the girlfriend.. and I am a friend who lives in a different city.  I also feel like I am losing one of my dear friends.. I have become so self-conscious about calling him..  what do I do? dave already apologized to me about how this weekend went.. and how he had hoped it would be one where the two of us could catch up as buddies.. but he was compelled to support his new girlfriend.. what more can be done now?  The question I have is.. when the ex thinks he has met "the one," does that mean the ex-girlfriend is no longer the friend?  I feel i should leave it up to him to continue the friendship.. considering who he is with now...  I just find it sad.. because I always thought dave and I would be best-buds forever.. and that both of us would be able to get along great with our new partners.. is that too ideal.. I feel i need to back off...and give them some space.. what should i do

ANSWER: Hi Sudha,

Thanks for writing to me.  Well, I think you're right to be concerned about Dave's girlfriend.  She sounds like she has a lot of insecurities, far more than would be expected in the situation.  If you feel your friendship with Dave is strong enough, talk to him about how much it upsets you that you feel as though you're losing him as a friend.  This might lead to a subtle way of presenting your concern about the girlfriend's insecurities.  Just be careful - any outright criticism of her may make him feel compelled to defend her, potentially posing a threat to your friendship.  Hopefully, he won't tell her how you feel, as it will certainly set off alarms in her that you're trying to win him back.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for confirming my suspicions....but for now.. i think i should keep my distance.. because he is really smitten with her.. and he might get defensive and think i am trying to win him back.. which is not the case... But my question to you... what do I do.. if dave goes so far to please his girlfriend by cutting all ties with me?  I have known some women who ask that of their mates.  And if dave considers her "the priority".. then he might do what he thinks he must do... If he does do that.. i will be really devastated.. because I will have felt that I lost a true friend.  How do I deal with that if that happens... There's a part of me that wants to talk some sense into him... there's another part of me that feels I have to wake up to the possibility that i might lose a dear friend..

Answer
Sudha,

I think you're right to keep your suspicions to yourself and maintain a fair amount of distance from them.  Unfortunately, trying to talk sense in him will only make you look like the manipulative, jealous ex, and it probably would make her freak out and demand he cut you off.  If she orders him not to speak to you anymore despite your keeping it cool and maintaining the distance, the choice of whether he follows that order will be his to make.  If he makes the unfortunate decision to do as she tells him, it will be painful for you of course, but consider this: how good of a friend is he really if that is all it takes for you to lose his friendship?

Dana Q