Expert: Dana Q - 7/2/2008

Question
My GF of 2+ years and I broke up a wk ago, and Im having a VERY rough time. The first 7 months of our relationship was incredible, marriage talks, family talks etc, building dreams together. Later, things were up and down all the time. I was selfish, impatient, didnt listen as i should, she didnt give me the affection and intimacy that I needed. I keep thinking about what I could have done better, "what if", hoping we could get back together even though I know that at times I wanted to leave due to all the fighting, and not seeing us progressively move closer together. I feel like a failure, that I wont meet another woman that loves me for me, loves being intimate as much as I do, and will accept my beautiful 7yr old daughter. I feel alone, and am struggling with it because we also work together, and she truly wants us to be friends. advice from friends is "learn from it" and "its over forever, you have to accept it" but it hurts so much. ive asked her several times to re consider, she says "she doubts" that we could get together later on but IS open minded n still loves me. anything else i can do?i really do appreciate it"... (27 m, shes 28) she says she wants to be friends yet has issues with lending me things (the wii that my daughter loves to play, etc) and ignores my calls and texts or responds way later. i hate feeling this way, i am so unbelievably emotional, and all i feel (today) is that shes out having fun, hittin on other guys (totally not in her personality)and that she has MORE fun with other people than me. obviously this is somethin i have to deal with , but i dont know how. if she means "friends" like the occasional chat on facebook,not real friends, i dont think so. shes been very distant and cold, claiming that this is how she deals with it, but it kills me, I would also like her to remain in my daughters life since my 7 yr old loves her   ..........i would like to know that there is some kind of hope for us, i cant accept thats its DONE forever..not now anyways

Answer
Hi Jon,

Thanks for writing to me.  I wish I could give you a more hopeful answer, but I agree with your friends - it's over and you have to accept it.  When a woman says she just wants to be friends, that is the death knell for the romantic portion of the relationship.  She may say she still loves you, but she probably means it like she loves you as a friend.  As for what you could have done better, there might not have been any way to prevent this.  It's possible she just felt she was going in a different direction than you were, or as though the two of you had grown apart.  In order to alleviate some of the pain and make moving on easier for you, I would recommend you follow her lead and remain distant.  The more you keep in contact, the more difficult it will be for you to accept that the relationship is over.

Dana Q