Expert: Dana Q - 7/23/2008

Question
My boyfriend, of six years, father has Alzheimer’s and he is dying.  He is not expected to make it through the week.  He went to the hospital last week and on Monday they sent him to a hospice to live out his final days.  My boyfriend goes to the hospice at 8pm and stays until around 2 or 3am.  He has never asked me to go, or even acts like he wants me to go.  He is pretty much shutting me out.  The only person in his family I liked was his Dad, I don’t care at all for his mom and sister but I feel that they may think I'm being disrespectful not going.  I don't know what to do.  We have lived together for a year and a half and he recently got custody of his son.  He asked me to stay at my son’s during the custody battle.  I have not quite moved back in, but I am staying here while his son is in IL visiting his mother (he’s due back the 8/2).  Now, I don't even know if I should stay here or go to my son's for a few days.  And about the funeral, if he says he does not want me there, I feel then it means that I am not an important part of his life.  We are having problems anyway due him asking me to move to my sons and I have considered breaking up with him, but I just don't know if now is the time.

Answer
Hi Karen,

Thanks for writing to me.  I feel that you should be with him at these events since you have been his partner for the last six years.  However, now is not the time to start an argument and create more stress during an already extremely difficult period for him.  Go along with what he wants for the funeral and give him a little time to grieve.  After that, I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about how he views your relationship and the place you hold in his life.  It doesn't sound like you are on the same page.

Good Luck,

Dana Q