Expert: Dana Q - 7/30/2008

Question
Hi, please i need your candid advice, i have been dating this guy for over three years, we have been staying together as live-in lover, not legally married, but he calls me his wife everywhere  he goes, i could see he loves me and i love him too, but since the start of our relationship we have been having constant fighting and arguments which he on several occations has physically assault me, he will appoplgise and promise not to abuse me again, but each time he got provocoke he became so violent and abuse me constantly, he also smokes marijuana and ciggarete, i always complain that i dont like anyone smoking and pleaded with him to stop, but up till now he is still smoking, sometimes when we had quarrels he will start smoking in my presence in our living room and always put on this i dont care attitude, and one thing again that he does is that he is too jealous and possessive, he keeps monitoring my movement and keep asking whom i was talking to on phone, i had tried to break up with him on several occations, but each time i left he will keep calling and begging me to come back and sending money to me, there was a time i left him for six months and had to abort a four months old pregnancy, when i was so convinced that he was not the right man for me, he was so devastated and grow thin and unkept and pleaded with me to come back that he will stop smoking and he would stop abusing me, after so many pressure, i went back, but the sooner i got back, we kept arguing and fighting all over again and he never stop smoking, each day i feel so miserable and regreted coming back to him, but im afriad to leave him again because i didnt want him to be devastated and miserable like each time i leave him, and also for the guilt i felt haing to abort a baby, i felt i owe him a baby, just to pay him back for the one i aborted, but im not happy and satisfied with his character and attitudes,pls advice me, do you think i should end the relationship once and for all, or do you think i should keep enduring and hope he will change, im not happy at all please help

Answer
Hi Lola,

Thanks for writing to me.  You need to leave this relationship NOW.  He is abusing you physically and emotionally, and it is dangerous for you to stay in this relationship.  Abusers do not change.  You have seen that he has not changed in the three years you have been together.  It is not your fault that he abuses you; he is sick.  He will not seek help because he doesn't believe that what he is doing is wrong.  Since he is abusing you physically, there is the possibility that this relationship could be fatal.  Please do not let yourself become one of the thousands of women each year who are killed by a lover.  Giving him a child will only ensure that the child will be abusd, too.  Find a safe place to stay and resist the temptation to go back into this relationship.  He will probably beg you to come back and will promise to change.  If he does, don't believe him.  It is simply part of the pattern of abuse.  You are strong enough to live without him.   

Good Luck,

Dana Q