Expert: Dana Q - 7/7/2008

Question
Hi Dana!
My name is Santhi, 47 yrs old divorcee with 2 daughters age, 27 and 21. I divorced after a 20 yr marriage to an alchoholic who was very abusive and violent. For 6 years after my divorce, I led a peaceful life going to work and spending time with my daughters and good friends. During this period, I met Raj when I attending a Union course. From the day we met, Raj was pursuing me. And for 6 yrs I kept saying no. I was afraid of being in a rltnshp after what happened in my marriage. But Raj was very patient and kept trying to convince me to accept him. Finally, I accepted his love and him.

But after 4 months into our rltnshp, we had a quarrel. And I was shocked at the way Raj blew his top. He was smashing things around him and yelling at me in public in abusive language. I was so shocked and embarrassed that I cried so much. After that ,Raj said he was sorry and promised not to repeat it. But on a couple of occassions he got angry with me while he was driving because he got upset with the other motorist. He was challenging the other guy on the road and I was so worried that it may escalate to something physical. I freeze when I get frightened. I wont be able to think, talk or react. Raj got more upset when he saw me very quiet and ordered me out of the car. He did this to me a couple of times. And after that he told me he was sorry. I accepted his apology after he said he was sorry. Apart from these things, I'm also upset with him for supporting his ex-girlfriend's children. He was this girl for a few years. She broke off from him and went on to marry someone else. After 3 children, her husband divorced her. Homeless, and with no one to turn to she had looked up for Raj. (This was before I came into Raj's life) Raj was willing to marry her and adopt her 3 children. He bought them a house, put the children in good schools and supported them in every way. But after some time he found out that his ex-gal was seeing another lover. Infact, her husband had divorced her because she had this lover during her marriage. When Raj 1st confronted her,she denied saying that he was just a friend. But after some time, she admitted that she had a lover. Raj was furious and broke off with her for good but because he was already fond of her children he carried on supporting the children for food, school etc etc. He told me about this when we started our rltnshp together.

I found it hard to accept that Raj was continuing to support his ex-gal when she had a current lover and the childrens' father is still alive. Both my gals are working and my gals and I don't need Raj to support us in any way. I felt that his ex-gal was just making use of him and we had many quarrels over this. Infact, just when I was praying hard to God to give me the heart to accept Raj supporting these children, the children who had come over to stay for the holidays at Raj's place -stole his money, jewellery etc. Raj also found out from his ex-gal's sister that his ex-gal and the children have been stealing from his all these years whenever they came over to stay at Raj place. I don't live with Raj. My children and I live together. I'll go over to Raj place now and then. I got so mad when I found out from Raj that they had been stealing from the very person who has been supporting them all these years. Although, Raj was equally mad he still continues to support the children. We had a quarrel on this issue and have not been keeping in touch since. Raj feels that he should continue to support the children as their mother is irresponsible and is only interested in bodily pleasures and keeps changing the men in her life. I am very upset because Raj has run into a alot of debts, his house is run down and he keeps saying that he has no money because he has these commitments. I feel the childrens' parents should be responsible for them . Now that he has stopped calling me for abt 2 weeks now, I'm beginning to miss him. I'm beginning to ask myself ...am I being too selfish? Was I wrong to feel this way? I feel that he must still be in love with his ex-gal for him to carry on supporting her children for the past 10 yrs..even after all that they are doing. And she's not even his ex-wire nor are they his children. Pls tell me what to do? I really do hope to get an answer from you soon. I am so confused and sad.

Looking forward to a reply from you soon....

Thanking you in advance

Sincerely
Santhi


Answer
Hi Santhi,

Thanks for writing to me.  You are not being selfish.  Your instincts are telling you that there is something wrong with this guy, and they are correct.  The situation with the ex-girlfriend is strange and I highly doubt he is supporting her children without getting something in return.  I would not be surprised if they were still lovers.  More importantly, the behavior you described in the first paragraph of your letter isn't just an anger problem - it's verbal and emotional abuse.  You absolutely need to stay away from this man.  Since you were abused in your marriage, you may have subconsciously sought out another abuser.  Verbal and emotional abuse is serious and it can escalate quickly into physical abuse.  You need to stay strong and resist the urge to call him.  You are better off not having him in your life.

Good Luck,

Dana Q