Expert: ***ERICA*** - 7/5/2008

Question
Long Story...

Met her after she got abused and raped. I had just gotten off drugs 9 months prior and found my uncle after his suicide. Life was so wonderful with her. Then, I told her I couldn't handle taking care of anyone. She took that as "He's just another *sshole who doesn't really love me." A female "friend" of mine scooped her up and got her to have sex with herself and this guy she knew I always hated. She lied when I asked her about it because I had a wierd feeling. I believed her and the "friend" conviniently told me a few months later. Turns out the "friend" wanted me. Four years of hell. I got back on drugs. I had always been faithful and didn't know how to deal with what happened. I had never been cheated on and to find out about a three-way was too much. I drove her away and she kept holding on. I lost it and cheated because she never told the truth about it all. She got hurt and now I cry ever night. I messed up so bad. A part of me was trying to understand cheating. I was always faithful before. She is a wonderful woman and I miss her so much. I'm in a recovery program again and she says she needs to be alone now and grow up. I am scared she will do something dumb but I get the feeling she is really just wanting to go be herself. She says if I do right then we might get back together after some time. Is she lying or telling the truth? Can I learn to leave her be and pray that we get back together again later. I have never stopped loving her. This really hurts!

Answer
Dear Nathan,
First of all... you have to take responsibility for your own actions.  You used because you wanted to... There really isn't any other excuse.  As for the reasons why you cheated on her... again... because you wanted to... We have no control over anyone else's thoughts, feelings, desires, etc.  we can only control our own.  Therefore, how you live your life is up to you... the choices that you make are yours and yours alone and you have to own them.  Now that you are in recovery again... you have the opportunity to build a great life for yourself.  You need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.  There are a lot of things that have happened between you and your girlfriend... Is it salvageable?  Noone knows, but you have to take care of you and until you do that you won't be good for someone else.... You are worth it... get it together and take responsibility for the quality of your own life... Good Luck... A day at a time and sometimes.. a second at a time... Warmest Wishes, Erica