AboutDr. 8Bit Expertise I feel I would qualified to answer most general questions regarding and pertaining to committed romantic relationships such as: what are reasonable expectations of a partner, how to best deal with grief associated with the breakup of a relationship (including divorce), issues regarding healthy communication, and also strategies for healthy conflict resolution.
Experience I work for the county in the field of mental health. I have previously worked doing inpatient small group and individual counseling at a drug rehab treatment center. I have experience working with college aged adults in the field of counseling. My history has also included full-time phone based counseling and participation in crisis outreach services to my local community.
Organizations Licensed in the state of MN as an LPC.
Education/Credentials I have received my MSed in Counseling and have also received my state licensure as a professionally licensed counselor (LPC).
Expert: Dr. 8Bit Date: 7/23/2008 Subject: What should I do?
Question I am seventeen years old and my boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago after a five year relationship. I know I'm young and he was my first love. The reason we broke up is because he lied to me about the status of him and another girl. He was cheating on me with her so the relationship had to end. Recently I have picked up the pieces and started talking to another guy. I really like him but we aren't "official". My ex has also contacted me recently and expressed how much he regrets cheating on me. He also told me that they did nothing but kiss and that he really wants to make things work. I really feel that he is sincere but I also feel if I go back to him my family flip. Should I give him a second chance and remain friends with the other guy? Should I leave my ex alone altogether? I still love him but I can't deal with another heartbreak like that.
Signed,
Confused in Va
Answer Hello Confused in Va,
A few things I notice about your story are: You started dating your ex-bf when you were 12 and he became your first love. Your feelings for him will probably always be slanted to the positive and romanticized, making the option of reconciling or renewing a relationship with him seem like a viable option. While it may seem like an option to get back with him, imo, I'd move on.
As is said, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Now while this may not be 100% completely true, I do believe it is a valid statement to consider. Regardless of how far your ex and this other girl went sexually, it was still considered cheating by both of you (he wouldn't have apologized if he didn't consider it to be cheating). So when a person decides to cheat on their partner, a line is crossed in their mind. Personally, I have never cheated on any one I've ever dated exclusively. There are plenty of men who also feel the same way. Though, there are those who for whatever reasons, can rationalize at the time, crossing that line of trust in a relationship. So basically, if you were to continue a relationship with you ex, I'd definitely say there would a greater likelihood of him cheating in the future, versus someone who you do not have a history with at this time.
In closing, I think you're too young to be holding on to a person like your ex. Though, part of dating and growing up is learning about relationships, and giving him another shot in a relationship could teach you a lot of valuable lessons (and they could potentially be very positive lessons). Also the other guy you were seeing, I'd say if you are going to date the ex, date the ex. Trying to stay friends in the situation you're in with both guys will just lead to jealousy within the whole situation. Though, as I said, I'd move on. Give the new guy a try, and see where things go. Remember, ending the relationship with your ex is hard for both of you, so to have as clear a head as you can and a direction you want to move in, is a good thing. Good luck to you.
