Expert: Dana Q - 8/10/2008

Question
Hi Dana~ I was married for 8 years and divorced 8 years ago because of an infidelity. I didn't date for almost 3 years. After a few years of dating, I met a man in July of 2005 that I felt was perfect for me. After a year of dating, we moved in with one another and bought a house. He was dishonest and didn't invest time in our relationship or house. We broke up in December of 2007, but lived together until May of 2008 deciding how to settle house issues. I know my life is blessed because I no longer have either one of these guys in my life. I have met someone who really likes me and I really like him. He has never really been in a serious relationship. He feels I did everything I could do to make my past relationships work and can't see why the other guys didn't try harder to make things work out. My problem is that he wants me to discuss problems I had with my past relationships so he doesn't make those same mistakes. I like leaving the past in the past. They didn't work out, so I moved on. I've told him that I don't really care to discuss my past relationships and feel that every relationship is different. I know his heart is in the right place. What else can I do to make him feel comfortable with my past relationships other than talking about them? I feel if I live in the past I can't enjoy my future. I really like this guy and can see later down the road can maybe see a future with him. Any suggestions?

Answer
Hi Gail,

Thanks for writing to me.  I think you're absolutely right to not want to discuss your past relationships with him; doing that would be a recipe for disaster as he would always be second-guessing himself and never be able to relax.  Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to make him feel more secure; if he is an insecure person naturally, he will find things to be insecure about.  Hopefully, a little bit of time together will make these insecurities fade away, but if they persist, it could spell trouble for the relationship.

Good Luck,

Dana Q