Expert: Dana Q - 8/24/2008

Question
My girlfriend and I were in a relationship (of 7 years) where the good times
were good, and the bad times were bad. Six months ago I was involved in a
relationship of the heart (no sex) and had been on several dating websites. I
enjoyed the attention and it filled the void when we argued. At any rate, I
followed through with meeting one woman and we did this for several
months, usually for an hour at a time for drinks, dinners, or conversations.
My girlfriend found out and wanted to repair our relationship. But she shared
so much of this information with her children (college age) mutual friends
and family that I was so embarrassed I had to move out.

We kept in contact, but still fought mostly on issues of trust. In the meantime,
she struck up a friendship with the woman I had been involved with. This
escalated the tension on our friendship. I should also note that we still had
sex, which she usually initiated. Mostly by telling me about the provocative
outfit she was wearing, then she would come over and we would make love.
At any rate, in an arguement a couple of weeks ago something inside me
snapped an I wrote an e-mail to her exploiting every little insecurity  she had,
but also to the other woman showing here how she had been used with
intimate details about their relationship and the fact she had herpes (which
she never told me, but told my ex). I had never done anything like this during
the duration of our relationship.

I later regretted my actions, have long since apologized for my infidelity and
apologized for my writing of both letters which were written out of anger and
meant to hurt. I have since started counseling for the issues I have and have
offered to do group counseling once I have my issues under control. My
girlfriend on the other hand says something snapped inside her and she is
having a hard time letting go of my actions. She has since cut her ties with
this other person and has told me she needs time to sort this out. A few
nights ago she agreed to come over for a drink as I was going to take some
time from the relationship. She dressed to turn me on, we had drinks and
then the most incredibly passionate love making session we have had in
years. I thought it was a sign, so even though I was in counseling I didn't
want to break contact. Two days later she called to say she needed time to
sort through her feelings because she was not sure it was what she wanted
because of my correspondence. So, no contact in any form.

I love her very much ( I am 53 and she is 48), but realize I might have hurt her  
to the soul with my words of anger (of which she had never saw before).
Should I just prepare for the worse and hope for the best? If she has so many
questions about our relationship, why was she having sex with me when I
moved out? I have respected her wishes and have not contacted her, but
wonder if it is truly over and if I should just quit hoping and move in a
different direction. I guess I need some direction,,,,

Answer
Hi Steve,

Thanks for writing to me.  It is hard for me to imagine that your girlfriend will be able to recover emotionally from what you did.  She may talk herself into staying with you for a while, probably because she is afraid of letting go of a relationship she's had for seven years and of being alone at age 48.  However, I think that in time she will realize she can't get over this.  This is all speculation on my part, but as a woman, I can't fathom staying with someone who treated me lie that for very long.  Something is very wrong within this relationship.  It doesn't sound like it is working for both of you.  It would probably be best to end things before anyone is hurt any further by this.

Good Luck,

Dana Q