Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/4/2008

Question
Hey
Recently (almost 2 months) my girlfriend of over 2 years and I broke up, we had a great relationship uptil the last few weeks. We had some bad times but definitely the majority of it was a great time for both of us.

We met when I moved to a small town, I enrolled in year 12 at the highschool there and had a great time being in a new town, was with a few girls and had some good parties and stuff. I met my ex during this time and instantly felt a deep connection, and within 2 weeks we were together.

Shes a year younger than me, and we were still learning alot about life and that stuff, we had some problems a few months down the track. We were teenagers and fought about silly things and broke up and got back together the next day soughta stuff. But I really screwed things up with her and started sleeping with another girl. This cheating went on for almost a month until I admitted everything to my girlfriend. She was shattered and we broke up.

But she took me back, and not a day has gone that I do not regret my actions or *did* fear what I could have lost. Though it was the worst thing I felt I have ever done to anyone I feel in a way it did make us stronger, because after a lot of fighting and making up we pulled through it and we were closer after it had healed enough.

Our relationship continued along great for over a year while I lived there, I finished school but stayed around doing what work I could find until she finished (the usual behavior for young people in the town is to finish school and just move away then, not much employment). So when the end of her last year came she decided she wanted to study art.

We decided to move to another town where there was a TAFE for her art (Cheap College I guess to Americans) and more opportunity for me to start a career in IT. Also I had family there, my grandparents lived there and Im very close to them, more than my parents even. My grandma had passed away a few months ago (was a tough time my girlfriend really helped me through) so I thought it might be an ok idea for us to live with my grandpa until Her and I got on our feet and got our own place.

This was a great arrangement, he was happy to have the company and he looked after us abit, but was of course more than happy to.

We happily moved in and our relationship was great, she started TAFE and I managed after a few months to find a great job doing what I love.

The problems started when she was making new friends, it was hard for me to make friends here, and I still don't really have any except hers. She started wanting to go out with them to the nightclubs and things here, shes only recently 18 and had never really gone out much and experienced these things, whereas my life had been alot different to hers and at the time I just wanted to get us on our own feet and start our life together, I had spent the last 5ish years before meeting her going out every weekend and getting drunk.

I would get paranoid and annoyed when she didnt come back when she said she was going to, or didnt tell me what her plans were. I suffer from some problems with paranoia because of a few years of heavy pot smoking, but I always try my hardest with her to keep it under control, I just need to know whats happening with her and I'm usually ok.

I think though this started to annoy her, she was and has become a lot more of a free spirit than I was, almost as though we switched places over the last few months.

We broke up on one such weekend, she was going out and ment to be back at 12, but was not home then and didnt text me to tell me where she was or what she was doing or who she was with. I was freaking out and rang all her friends and did everything I could think of to find where she was. Around 6am she came home and I was very angry, I yelled at her for a fair while, I was angry as, and I still think I had every right to be. She left then and went and stayed at her sisters (who also lives near here now), I called her that night and we talked and things straightened out ok. She even said she loved me when she said goodbye and things seemed great.

Then the next afternoon she came back around and we got in another fight, I pushed the point a fair bit and asked if she even wanted to be with me anymore. She said she didnt know how she felt and maybe wanted a break.

I completely flipped out and told her to f*** off and get out of my house, I felt so hurt that she could do that to me, even though I know now it was me who pushed her that far. That i think was my biggest mistake, instead of talking at that point I pushed her that little bit left away.

So now its almost 2 months later and most of the time Im great and feel ok, we still talk and even though some of her attention maybe because she feels sorry for me there is still that closeness and friendship between us, but also a feeling that we may have changed too much. We sometimes kiss and cuddle up watching a movie and as I said are still very close, though we have not done anything sexual. I have tried but she is not wanting any of it so I have stopped trying, and I know now even trying was a huge mistake that made things worse.

I am also seeing another girl sought of, nothing but some kissing at a friends party (was a great night and a big help to just get out and see some mates) and now talking on the phone most nights, she seems great and being a guy I want to sleep with her and everything, but don't thing I want a relationship, and am not that attracted to her.

Deep down I was hoping that when my ex found out I had been with someone she might get jeallous and want to be with me, but she has shown no sign and hasnt said anything to her friends about it.

Anyway, I still love my ex, I feel and have always felt with her that shes the girl im going to marry and be with forever. But I have now tried everything I can to try win her love back. I should walk away I know and try get over this properly. I give her space, we talk every 2-3 days, see each other sometimes. When we are around each other our breakup is coming up less and less in conversation.

I'm sorry for all the info here, I just want to get across what this girl means to me and what and how much we have been through, and why I feel I should try everything to get her back and feel how she did. That Im not wanting her just for sex or for my own needs, but because of what I feel is there between us.

Is there anything you can suggest I should do or say to her, will walking away and waiting for her to contact me help, just is there anything I can do to fix things and show her i can be the guy she fell in love with again?

If there is any info you want on our history or on myself just let me know with an email or msn, wadeal@gmail.com .
And thanks in advance if you managed to read through all this :) and can give some advice. I just ask please that you help, Ive read and been told "just move on" way too many times, and Im trying to but I cant get her and everything we worked on out being lost out of my head

Thankyou
Wade.

Answer
Hi Wade,
Sometimes people grow apart as they start to experience new things in life.  There is nothing you can do to keep her in the relationship she has to figure that out for herself.  What I do know is that if you continue to try making contact with her she will definitely be annoyed and not miss you which is what your goal is.  I would walk away, but not continue to hold onto hope because hope won't allow you to move on and what if she never does come back you will be wasting so much precious time just waiting around.  She obviously knows everything about you and how much you love her so allow her the space that she needs, but move on with your life and try to find some comfort in close friends and family so that you can continue on regardless of whether or not she does come back.  There isn't any magical answer or solution that I can give you to get her out of your head.  That only happens with time.  Time does heal all wounds, but the thing that hurts is that time takes time.  You have to deal with the pain and I know that it shakes you to the core of your being.... However, taking care of you will allow you to reinvent and recreate your life... If she comes back... great, but if she doesn't then  you know you have started a fabulous life for yourself... Warmest Wishes and the best of luck, Erica