Expert: Dana Q - 8/21/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dana,

I have a very complicated situation for you that I hope you can make sense of.  I apologize in advance if some aspects are confusing I will try to make them as clear as possible.  I also apologize for the length.

I guess I should start by describing what kind of person I am...I am a university pre-med student and am very shy..and because of that I never really dated that much through high school...and thats also maybe why my situation is so hard for me.

Last September was my first year of university, and my first day in my very first class I met this girl, who ill call Stephanie.  We hit it off right away, and I even dropped one of my classes and traded it so that I would have a second class with her...right away I knew I really liked her.  And so for about a week I tried to get up the courage to ask her on a date...I finally decided that I had to or I would always regret it..however I found out by talking to her that she had a boyfriend already..luckily I found this out before I asked her and was saved a lot of embarrassment.  None the less we became really good friends we talked all the time we hung out together a lot...and I still liked her more than a friend but I wasn't gonna dare jeopardize what I had going so of course I didn't say anything.

And the first semester passed and we entered the second...and she broke up with her boyfriend...and some stuff happened it doesn't matter what but the fact was I still liked her...during this we started to be together a lot more and I realized that I loved this girl. And as I was coming to this conclusion I also became best friends with her ex-boyfriend.  But there were some circumstances that made a relationship between us not likely...I ended up telling her exactly how I felt...and although we tried..stuff happened and it didn't work because of all the complications...I don't want to tell you about them because I don't want you to have a biased opinion of her..If you need to know let me know and I will tell you.  But so now things are awkward between us...and I still love her, I get advice from my friends and I have heard it all on how she isn't good enough...and I need to move on...and ya I think they mean well but they underestimate how much of a problem this is for me..and how often she is on my mind.  So they think I can just pick up and walk away but I cant...I don't know what to do...As far as I can see I have 2 options...I like hanging out with her a lot, more then anyone can know...but every time I am with her I am constantly reminded of this girl I love but cant be with...which is the worst feeling in the world..my second option is to stop being around her..which doesn't really help because she is on my mind all the time...I have tried everything...not talking to her for awhile..talking to her about how I feel...talking to friends...its really taking its tole I failed two classes last year because of it...my work notices..I drink more then I used to..there are days when I don't even want to be alive anymore...I don't know what to think, or what to do..or even what to say to her the next time...

Sorry again for the length of this any help would be better then nothing...You said you wanted ages..umm I am 20 and she is 19...she is not the first girl I have dated but she is the first girl I can honestly say I loved..or do love.

Thank you
- Tyler
Thank you
-


ANSWER: Hi Tyler,

I think I do need more information on the circumstances of your relationship in order to give you the best response possible.

Thanks,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hmm ok..but like I said it is really complicated so try and bear with me..

Ok..the circumstances of our relationship.

So I met her the first day of classes last September and we instantly became friends..I sorta didn't want too much to do with her boyfriend at that time but after she broke up with him we became best friends..primarily because we were both worried about her.

You see she broke up with her boyfriend by cheating on him with his roommate..and then got into a mini relationship with him that lasted a couple months..but this was totally out of character for her which is why I became friends with her ex boyfriend as we tried to help her...and after awhile she came around and was doing really good being single...and keeping in mind at this time I am slowly falling in love with this girl...I want to talk to her but I am fearing at this time it is way to soon...

So after she cheated on her boyfriend her friends pretty much abandoned her and sided with him..she lost a lot of friends mostly all of them..but I was always there for her when she needed someone to talk to...and eventually I was able to tell her how I feel..and we had an off and on thing going for awhile..but her heart was never in it..and even if it was I knew what she did to her first boyfriend and her second one as well..so why should I think I would be any different..The bottom line is I loved or do love her..but wouldn't really be able to trust her therefore making a relationship impossible..that and my friends all think it is a bad idea..and I agree with them completely but I feel a totally different way...If that makes sense its hard to describe.

Thats all the info I can think of..if you need anything else let me know..

Thank you again
- Tyler

Answer
Tyler,

Thanks for the details; they helped me make a better decision.  Please understand that it is not my intention to judge her, but it does sound like she may have trouble being alone and has a tendency to jump from relationship to relationship.  I understand how it would be difficult to trust her, even though it is true that people can learn from their mistakes and change.  However, if you know in your heart that you would never be able to trust her, getting into a relationship with her is a recipe for disaster.  It will drive you crazy that you can't trust her, and it will drive her crazy that you can't trust her.  She can't change the fact that she did what she did; it's always going to be there.  You either have to be able to accept it and leave it in the past, or you can't be with her.  There really is no in-between.  If you have any doubts that you can trust her, I think you should spare each other the pain and not have a relationship.  You should only remain friends if you are prepared to accept that you can't be lovers.  If it's too painful for you to be friends with her, cutting off contact might be the best thing to do.  On a side note, it sounds to me like you may be suffering from depression.  Not being able to concentrate and excessive drinking are some possible symptoms.  You should try to see a professional counselor (the one on campus, for example) to try to work through this problem.  It just might do you a world of good.

Good Luck,

Dana Q