Expert: Dana Q - 8/14/2008

Question
Hello and thank you for providing this service.  
I am 29 years old and my ex is 33.  I was with him for 4 years and it was a pretty good relationship.  He did absolutely ANYTHING I wanted to do and it almost seemed like he would do anything to make me happy.  He did lie to me a couple time about some stuff (nothing too big and no cheating) so there was some trust issues on my part that kept me from getting really close to him.  Both of us had some personal issues in our pasts as well.  Well after being together for 3.5 years we found a house we were planning to buy together.  I expressed some doubts about buying it together and apparently this really upset him.  He stopped really helping with the logistics of purchasing the house.  Well, one night I really upset that he wasn't helping and told him we should take a break and he just accepted it.  The next day I immediately said I had made a mistake and I was just under so much pressure, etc.  He basically told me that something "clicked" inside him and he couldn't get back together with me.  He said he didn't trust himself to be with and go back to letting me be in "control".  We talked for the next few days and by a week later he had apparently moved on to a new girl (he says they are just dating).  He keeps telling me that something just "clicked" and he can't get back together with me now.  I feel terrible because we had all these dreams and we were so close to getting the house together (now I am getting it alone) and I felt like he truely loved me and now it is just over.  He wants to stay friends, but I just don't see how we could come this far and now just be friends knowing he already is dating someone new.  I can't bring myself to talking to him and seeing him and not having more between us.  I never realized how much I love and miss him until we broke up.  Now I miss him so much and realize I was in love with him.  My questions are:  How could he move on so quickly if he truely loved me? Why won't he give us another chance - how could something just "click"?  Should I stay friends with him in hopes we can someday be more?  How do I move on without him and all our broken dreams?  Thank you very much.

Answer
Hi Shelly,

Thanks for writing to me.  As painful as this is, I think you narrowly escaped making a big committment to someone who didn't deserve you.  You expressed doubts about buying a house with someone who had lied to you in the past.  That was smart and legitimate, and you were right to suggest a break.  The fact that he moved on so quickly tells me that there were more problems in the relationship than you may even have been aware of.  I wouldn't be surprised if he had been cheating on you with this other girl; no one finds a new boyfriend or girlfriend within a week of breaking up with someone unless they had met them while their other relationship was still going on.  I think you should count yourself lucky that you got out of this relationship now rather than after having bought a house together.  I wouldn't recommend remaining friends with this guy; anyone who moves on so quickly after a relationship isn't really worth keeping as a friend.  

Good Luck,

Dana Q