Expert: Dana Q - 8/5/2008

Question
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am 23 turning 24 and my now ex is 22 turning 23. We were together for almost 2 yrs (this coming october). The first 9 months of our relationship was perfect then hit a bump when his family didn't get along with me... we moved on from that and after a few more months I lost my job and was struggling to pay my medical bills (from a pasta broken leg)he said he didn't think the relationship was going well and ended it (he denys he ended it)he kept showing up to my house unannounced and told me he couldn't live without me. Again things were better but it was coming closer to may (his graduation) and i noticed the relationship hadn't progressed. He didn't want to find an apt with me after he graduated, hadn't applied for jobs, and didn't tell me if he was going to stay in the same state (he is originally from maine). So I demanded a week long break to force him to think about things. It didn't last long before he came to me saying he couldn't live without me and he knew he wanted me to be in his life even if he had to move out of state.

Well he couldn't find a job in my state (ct) and found one in Boston (2hrs from me) we were on cloud 9 and we had no worries about his move. He wanted me to help him pick out an apt and talked about me getting a job to relocate and be with him at a wedding we went to he was telling people about how he'd like our future wedding to be like. Well his first apt fell through and he began to change. He took a smaller crappier apt and as I was helping him move out he started giving me a hard time about everything, yelling at me, bickering. He apologized later asked me to visit. When I did he didn't really touch me but said he wanted me to find an apt with him rather than just moving near him (BIG STEP) but he was still calling me annoying in public, less intimate, NOT romantic.

He begged me to come back again but with our mutual guy friend whose girlfriend broke up with him. BIG MISTAKE. He was kinder to me more touchy, sent me a poem. But a small tiff turned into a misunderstanding where they ganged up on me. I felt like things has spiraled down to the point where it needed to be over we were unhappy. The next morning even though I swore he was going to end it he didn't. I got home and he sent me a loving txt but I knew it was gong to get worse. I felt we had a better chance of having a good relationship if it was over and he figured himself out with a possibility of getting back together. I mentioned that my family and friends think I'm miserable and we should break up. He then said the reasons why they were right that he said he wasn't treating me well lately, our relationship wasn't at the lvl it needed to be to survive long distance, we did it quickly and decided txt only for him getting his stuff back because he said he couldn't bear to hear my voice. He said he had to hang up before we talked out way out of it.
I was calm quiet and we hung up.

My problem is I feel like I am in complete denial. That I ended the relationship because I wanted him to live life without me and appreciate me. That I want him to come back after a month or two. This is the most amicable break-up I've ever had but it really was for me... I don't know for him was for him to grow up away from me and realize he was ready to give me what I needed. Please help me! Why do I have this stupid idea he is going to come back to me.

Answer
Hi Christina,

Thanks for writing to me.  Well, I think given the history he has of letting you go and panicking to get you back, it's not unreasonable to think he may show up again at your doorstep claiming he can't live without you.  The question you need to ask yourself is not whether he will come back to you, but what you're really getting out of this relationship.  It seems like he is less mature than you are, and perhaps that he is infatuated with the idea of having a serious, adult relationship more so than he is committed to actually working on it.  This sounds like a relationship where you are forced to walk on eggshells, since the slightest disagreement or tiff creates major relationship-ending chaos.  I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this is not the recipe for a solid, fulfilling longterm relationship.  

Unfortunately, just as you can't make people fall in love with you, you can't make them appreciate you either, nor can you do their growing up for them.  He may come to the realization that he foolishly gave up on a good thing, or he might not.  The sad truth is that some people go through their entire lives alone because they are constantly searching for a relationship where there's never a spat or a bad day, and it simply doesn't exist.  If he is that kind of person, that's his cross to bear, not yours.  In the meantime, there are other men out there who have more realistic and more mature views on relationships.  Give yourself some time to heal, then go out to see what you can find.

Good Luck,

Dana Q