Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/14/2008

Question
hi my name is jeff i am 22 and have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. so me and my girlfriend have been seeing each other and have been practically living together for about two of those years but actually living together for the last year. so 4 weeks ago my girlfriend left on a trip with her family and we didnt have much time to talk, but when we did she was excited to see me and always said i love you and she missed me. so the day comes when she is finally coming back and im at home waiting for her and she comes in the door and says we need to talk. so im like ok whats wrong and she drops the bomb, that she thinks we shouldnt see each other for a while. So i am shocked like no other and i dont see why this is happening and after more than a week i stil dont know why becasue every time i try and talk to her she doesnt want to talk about it, but just wants to hang out. So like the most ive got out of her is that she realized over the trip that she wasnt happy the last month or two and she didnt feel the same way about me. so ive finally come to terms with that although i dont toally believe it, because after 2 weeks those kinds of things dont change. but so ive been really reflecting on our relationship and what has gone wrong and i mean all i can come up with and all she says are things that are easily fixable. but the thing is that she maintains her mind is made up and that nothing i say will change it. but i know shes hurting inside becasue she cried more than i did and although were technically broken up she still wants to see me and talk to me as long as i dont try and talk about us. so i mean this happened sunday the 3rd and i tried talking to her all that week and to no avail so i mean i gave her some space as she requested. then on the folowing monday she calls me twice to see how i am and to come over for dinner, and everything was going fine but i couldnt help but bring us up. and once i did that she stopped calling me again and we talked once more but nothing has changed. so at this point i am still so confused as to why this is even happening and i dont know what to do about it. I mean i want to give her space and time but i fee like if i do its not going to do anything and that i need to keep trying to work things out. But thats my question to you, what is the best course of action to take, should i not call her or see her for a week or so or should i keep trying to work it out. I mean i know she still has feelings for me but she is really convincing herself that she needs to do this, whether that be becasue she thinks we cant work it out, or shes scared if she gives it another shot itll just end later on and itll be that much worse to break up then. But i love this girl with all my heart and see myself being with her the rest of my life, and i know she feels the same cus she always brought up when i was gonna propose and stuff and when we were going to get married. so all in all i mean i realize she may not feel the same way about me but i know its not too far gone to have those feelings come back, cus really its only been a month. But i know what its going to take for us to work it out but im not getting it across to her, and maybe she doesnt believe me i really dont know cus she wont say anything to me. so srry for the essay but im still freaking out that this is even happening and really need some advice, i mean i suggested we go to counseling but i dont know if shes going to go for it.thanks for the help

Answer
Dear Jeff,
The best course of action is to let her go.  Anything that we chase in life runs away.  I know that this is extremely painful for you, but you cannot control how she feels, thinks, or acts.  It is extremely selfish that she still wants you to be a part of her life, but not to the extent that you want her to be.  Therefore, try the no contact rule which means that for 60 days you go without contact even if she calls you, even if she wants you to come over, etc.  This way she can see what it is like for you to not be in her life.  If she wants you to be a part of her life the way that you want her to be she will let you know.  She will stop at nothing to let you know that.  However, you have to (as hard as it may be to believe) accept what she is saying and try to live your life to the best of your ability.  I understand - it is easier said then done... the 2 of you have a lot of history and memories and you don't want things to change, but unfortunately you need 2 people to make a relationship work and now you MUST take care of you.... If things are meant to be I am a firm believer that they will be..... Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica