Expert: Dana Q - 8/15/2008

Question
Hi , i have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I'm still young only going on 18 and he will be 20. I feel like i'm already 20 something with the relationship that i am in. My boyfriend loves me a lot, but is also VERY possessive & i can't really do everything that i like, if i want a weekend with the girls its a hard enough answer.. meaning no or he has to be there or else forget it. He isn't that bad with that anymore but he still is a bit. He makes me happy sometimes, rarely. When i speak to him I always seem like a ''bitch'' but it's like i have no choice or else he wont understand. He Understands what he wants to understand. I have tried to break up lots of times with him because I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to live for my self now. I don't know who i am anymore. I'm only 18 and i'm tiered of feeling like i'm already married and that its the end of the world cause I can not break up with him. He never used to let me, he would do or say anything to make me change my mind and sometimes, Lots of times, it worked... I always go back to him. When i talk about him i never have something good to say, but then when i want to break up with him something stops me and i don't know what it is! it really bugs me..  Or when I almost got my way into breaking up with him he would cry and make me feel soooo bad and it hurt me because I don't hate him, I know a part of me loves him very much and i know it's normal I guess, But I shouldn't go back and i always do! I know i love him But i know A part of me doesn't. He calls ALL the time for me, he doesn't let me breath. He picks fits all the time, sometimes for no reason or sometimes because he feels like he should because he hasn't its been a while.. He's parents are like him , well his dad i would say. They barely smile, they always look mad. And in that almost 3 years that we are together i barely spoke to his family.. I don't feel like i am part of them. And i don't want to be. I have been with him such a long time that i feel i can not leave him, its like i am not allowed. He finds every little thing to tell me when i try and tell him, Okay i need to be alone i can not do this anymore. Right there he will start to cry and be like Oh no! no, no, no .. please don't do this to me!! and if i seen him a couple of hours before i break this to him he will ask me why i didn't do it when i was with him earlier? I don't do it when i'm with him because i know he is not going to let me leave! he will get soo mad , and probably hit me. I didn't want to sleep to his place once and i wanted to leave because i didn't feel comfortable, I never did feel great(at his parents), so he jumped onto my car when i was trying to get away , he jumped onto my car and started banging! NO you're NOT going to LEAVE STAY!!! and before he got onto my car, he would let me go close to my car! he would Keep me down with his arms and wouldn't let me go close to it! he would say '' i just want to talk to you , calm down I just want to talk to you i will let you leave i just want to talk to you calm down!'' i had no reason to calm down i was being held and i don't like it when someone holds me that way it makes me feel stuck and plus when he is doing that Because he doesn't want me to leave there is a problem!! I would see that in someone older but someone his age? or he would get into my car and say , I'm not leaving until you said your sorry or everything is okay! what is to say sorry about, you're the one who flipped I just wanted to go home , and i told him ill call you when i get home just let me leave.. I would of stayed a bit but no he went crazy right away when i said i wanted to go home..
every time i go to leave him, he calls and cries and i take him back because i feel bad and i feel that what i did was wrong and that maybe everything is my fault and I'm the stupid one because i always talk to him like he is a piece of ''shit'' now.. But i don't think that's it, i think its because I can't stand him now.he does this little thing and i can't stand it.. He lived at my parents place with me for a while maybe a nice 3 months, I never wanted him to come and stay but he kind of just started paying rent to my mom and never told me anything because he knew i wouldn't of liked it, and after that i kind of felt like there was no choice.. Don't get me wrong,before all of this i was more into him. But it started a bit after he moved in. It wasn't perfect before, i never had a good  of feeling about I and him but there was still something there that i didn't know about so i always let it go.. and when he lived with me, that was the worst 3 months of my life. he is back with his parents its been couple of months. We see each other only on the weekend, because i thought maybe that would of been better for us? but I still feel like hes not away because he calls me as much times in a day. In the morning to wake me up, before i go to work he calls back, when i'm at work to know what i'm doing and to tell me to call him when i'm done work and when i get home, he calls me back when i get home before i get the chance to call him even, before i go wash, after i wash, when i'm getting ready, sometimes he will call back to say ooh i forgot to tell you this, other times he calls after super, before i go out to see where i'm going and who i'm going with and how long i'm going to be out for, he calls Me on my friends cell phones to talk and see what i'm doing when i'm out just to tell me to call him when i get home WHEN I ALREADY KNOW THAT! And then he calls me late at night before i get home from out with a friend and before i go to bed. THAT'S A LOT OF TIMES IN A DAY! I can never get rid of him. Maybe i wouldn't feel this way or it wouldn't be as bad if he wouldn't be soo LIKE THAT! but You cant change him that's how he is I've tried to tell him, okay maybe if you would stop calling me all the time like that , i wouldn't be so mean and tell you all the time that you're annoying me and stuff like that , maybe it would work better,but its kind of too late now. Do i want to be with him or Not? I honestly don't know what to think anymore... it's like I don't want him , but i cant leave him? PLEASE HELP , I NEED SERIOUS HELP!

Answer
Hi Renee,

Thanks for writing to me.  You need to leave your boyfriend now.  He is verbally and emotionally abusing you.  There is no reason why anyone should have to put up with abuse.  At 20 years old, it is normal to want some freedom, especially from someone who is draining you dry emotionally.  The crying and pleading for you to stay after you decide to leave is normal; it is part of the cycle of abuse.  Most abusers will change their behavior temporarily and beg forgiveness from their partners after abusing them; the key word there is that it is temporary - they always revert back to the pattern of abuse.  You cannot change him, and it is highly doubtful he will change on his own because he doesn't really recognize that what he is doing is wrong.  Please get out of this relationship now before you subject yourself to more years of his abuse.

Good Luck,

Dana Q