Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/9/2008

Question
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am 23 turning 24 and my now ex is 22 turning 23. We were together for almost 2 yrs (this coming october). The first 9 months of our relationship was perfect then hit a bump when his family didn't get along with me... we moved on from that and after a few more months I lost my job and was struggling to pay my medical bills (from a past broken leg)he said he didn't think the relationship was going well and ended it (he denys he ended it)he kept showing up to my house unannounced and told me he couldn't live without me. Again things were better but it was coming closer to may (his graduation) and i noticed the relationship hadn't progressed. He didn't want to find an apt with me after he graduated, hadn't applied for jobs, and didn't tell me if he was going to stay in the same state (he is originally from maine). So I demanded a week long break to force him to think about things. It didn't last long before he came to me saying he couldn't live without me and he knew he wanted me to be in his life even if he had to move out of state.

Well he couldn't find a job in my state (ct) and found one in Boston (2hrs from me) we were on cloud 9 and we had no worries about his move. He wanted me to help him pick out an apt and talked about me getting a job to relocate and be with him at a wedding we went to he was telling people about how he'd like our future wedding to be like. Well his first apt fell through and he began to change. He took a smaller crappier apt and as I was helping him move out he started giving me a hard time about everything, yelling at me, bickering. He apologized later asked me to visit. When I did he didn't really touch me but said he wanted me to find an apt with him rather than just moving near him (BIG STEP) but he was still calling me annoying in public, less intimate, NOT romantic.

He begged me to come back again but with our mutual guy friend whose girlfriend broke up with him. BIG MISTAKE. He was kinder to me more touchy, sent me a poem. But a small misunderstanding turned into him cussing, crying, and questioning our relationship in public, then later they ganged up on me *drunk*.

Because he LET our friend push him to that ridiculous point, I felt like things had spiraled down to the point where it needed to be over we were unhappy. The next morning even though I swore he was going to end it he didn't. I got home and he sent me a loving txt but I knew it was gong to get worse. I felt we had a better chance of having a good relationship if it was over and he figured himself out with a possibility of getting back together. I mentioned that my family and friends think I'm miserable and we should break up. He then said the reasons why they were right that he said he wasn't treating me well lately, our relationship wasn't at the lvl it needed to be to survive long distance, we did it quickly and decided txt only for him getting his stuff back because he said he couldn't bear to hear my voice. He said he had to hang up before we talked out way out of it.
I was calm quiet and we hung up.

My problem is I feel like I am in complete denial. That I ended the relationship because I wanted him to live life without me and appreciate me. That I want him to come back after a month or two. This is the most amicable break-up I've ever had it was a quick crash and burn it wasn't drawn out to the point we hated eachother... I don't know if he had the same intentions as me, but I want him to grow up away from me and I hope he will want to give me what I needed. Please help me! Why do I have this stupid idea he is going to come back to me.

Answer
Dear Christina,
You want to believe he is going to come back because you don't want to accept that it is over.  If things were really bad then maybe it is best that it is over so that both of you can move on with your lives.  You are putting a lot of effort into a relationship that just "isn't working."  When one person does so much more work than the other it is frustrating.  There is nothing more that we want when we breakup with someone than for them to figure out that they can't live without us and that they will come back being everything and wanting everything that we did.  Sometimes it does happen, but it usually isn't for a sustained amount of time.... It is usually for a short term fix.... a lot of things have happened.... there has been a lack of respect and destruction to the relationship.  The 2 of you don't even know where it is going at this point.  Therefore, I would suggest that you get busy with your own life.... setting goals, achieving them, etc... If he comes back at some point (but, I wouldn't make contact) you can evaluate how you feel at that time, but if he doesn't ..... get busy with your own life so that no matter what happens you are going to be ok.... Warmest Wishes, Erica