Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/5/2008

Question
Hi Erica.

A dear friend of mine, "d" whom I have known for 5 years... (2 of which we dated).. is getting engaged.  While I would always be happy for him.. I and other friends close to him have concerns about his future wife... They started dating end of june.. got engaged mid july and will get married in november... His future wife has huge insecurity issues.. she always wants attention in public.. she has two teenage daughters.  She also had a huge problem with my friend with my friend.. That's because .. not only am i a friend.. I am the "ex."  But I live in a different city.. "d" and I have always been good friends.. but now things have changed..he is a little more cautious about the contact I have with him..  I rarely call him directly in case his fiancee is around... also I had to find out about his engagement from someone else.  He did call to explain that he was so busy that he forgot to tell me.. but lately he has been apologizing a lot to me..  I do feel like my friendship has changed.. It's gone from being "best buds" to him tap-dancing to contact me.. in order not to worry his future wife.  There's a part of me that has accepted the fact that he has chosen to marry her and be a step-dad..that's his priority.. and that's the way it should be.  Although.. if he had married someone a little more secure.. i don't think i would feel so insecure about my friendship with him.. He says our friendship is important.. but lately his words are only words... I don't even feel comfortable wishing him a happy birthday in a few weeks.. worried his wife will have problem with it... Is this a friendship worth saving? or has it changed to something more civil? or should I cut my losses.. because frankly he is not the person I thought he was? Help!!

Answer
Dear Sudha,
Is it because you truly want to save the friendship or do you want something more from this situation?  It hurts when someone that we are close to gets involved with someone else and moves on with that part of their life.  Especially when the person that they are getting married to doesn't fit the "picture" of whom we would love our friend to have been with and the fact that you were and rightfully so... expecting to have become friends with her so that you could remain friends with "d."  Now that it hasn't worked out that way it is very sad, but he has made a decision - right, wrong, or indifferent to be with this woman and unfortunately.... he has to be the one that takes care of this situation.  If he chooses not to... and maintains his distance than you should treasure the special memories and hold on to the wonderful experiences you shared and place him into a special part of your heart where you can revisit as often as you want, but the friendship is up to him to save.... Friendships - especially when another person enters into them... always change..... Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica