Expert: Dana Q - 8/11/2008

Question
Hello

I am nearing my 30s and all my life, i never dated because I was so focused on school. As I got a little older, I decided to check out that "scene." I'm sure that sounds bizarre to most people, but my education really did consume most of my time (still does.)  Well, in my first foray into this realm, I ended with the most complicated situation I could think of for myself. I met someone who is originally from another country, but who had relocated here with his family when he was a kid. However, unfortunately, his family did not follow the proper naturalization procedures, and this poor kid ended up without legal papers in this country. He was stuck thereafter, hardly being able to go to college and support his mom/dad/brother. So initially when I met him, I really felt sorry for him and kept in touch; he was such a good hearted person even after all of the bad stuff he had gone through in his life. But as time went on, of course we naturally developed feelings. However, I knew that I could not be with him; I didn't want to marry someone who stood gave a secondary gain from the marriage. He was upset; told me he loved me and that was the main reason he wanted to get married; he was never dishonest about his situation towards me, but that his life was in misery. I still couldn't do it; my parents were not for it. They felt that having gone through so much in my life and my education, I deserved something more stable.  So I told him he was free to be with someone else, but that I still really cared for him and wanted to stay friends. He rejected all of that and cut off all contact, saying I was an heartless person.  I was completely devastated, still am. I can't eat, sleep, study, it's horrible. I regret the break up and miss him so much because he was so sweet to me.  I'm sure most people will think he only had one motive, but I honestly believed in his love for me. Now I sit and feel like I can't breathe; I get panic attacks just thinking of him with someone else, or that I will never speak to him or see him again. I'm an intelligent adult, and it's so strange to me that my mind has been completely overtaken by this. I feel weak and like a loser for trying to hold on to something which I knew I couldn't have. Please give me some input.

Answer
Hi MY,

Thanks for writing to me.  Well, I don't necessarily think that he had a singular motive.  Not every foreign person who wants to marry an American is doing it to earn their citizenship.  As a matter of fact, I have a friend who is the same situation and she refuses to marry anyone just to earn her citizenship.  There are several lessons you can glean from this painful experience.  First, it is important to have some faith in people and relationships.  If you feel deep in your heart that someone loves you and he treats you well, then you should listen to your heart.  Secondly, you are an adult now.  What your parents have to say about your relationships ultimately doesn't matter; you have to do what will make you happy, not them.  The best thing you can do right now is to try not to beat yourself up for the way things went; it was your first real relationship and most people don't get it right on the first try.  The important thing is to learn from it and not make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Good Luck,

Dana Q