Expert: Dana Q - 8/16/2008

Question
Hi.  I am a 28 year old female and was dating a 33 year old male.  We had been together for 4 years.  One year ago he asked me to marry him.  In December (7 months ago) he gave me the ring.  We had a decent relationship.  We were honest and spent time doing things we both enjoy.  We also have our own interests and never prevented each other from those interests.  However, this summer (past 3 months) he's been distant and started leaving me out of his life.  We lived together for 3 of our 4 years. He left for a weekend trip that I was suppose to go on, but I had to help my grandparents for a couple hours before we left.  While I was at my grandparents he left me a voice mail telling me he decided to go without me.  I didn't hear from him again for 4 days.  When he returned, he grabbed a change of clothes and hasn't been back since.  He called me the night he took the clothes to tell me he hasn't loved me for a year and didn't want to be with me.  I responded that he asked me to marry him and gave me a ring 7 months prior.  He said he wasn't really sure why he did that.  I have all of his clothes and furniture at my home and will be moving soon as I cannot afford to stay here without his income.  I feel uncomfortable that he may just come over when I'm not here and clean me out so I have changed the locks.  He has made no contact with me in regards to his things.  I am shocked that after 4 years together and an engagement that he would break-up with me over the phone!  I believe he is a either a coward or a cheater and couldn't face me due to guilt.  I am unsure how I should feel about this.  If he ever came back, how could I trust him again?  How should I react to the situation without being mean or irrational?

Answer
Hi Laura,

Thanks for writing to me.  Wow.  What a cowardly and immature way to break up with someone you've been with for four years!  You should count yourself very lucky that you didn't marry this guy.  From what you told me, I don't think there's much evidence he's cheating on you, but it really doesn't matter if he was or not.  He clearly has a screwed-up view of relationships, and is cold to boot.  If he ever comes back, give him his stuff, tell him to have a nice life, and give a sigh of relief once he's gone - there's no reason why you should ever let someone who treated you this way back in your life.  Let your landlord know the situation since you will be leaving his stuff there.  Do NOT take it with you!  It's his responsibility to come crawling back for it.

Good Luck,

Dana Q