Expert: Dana Q - 8/26/2008

Question
I have been separated from my wife of 15 years for the last two years. She has been fighting the divorce, so I have had to move on until she comes to terms with it. Basically, she has told me if I force the issue with her she will take me for everything and take the kids.

Anyway, I started dating this girl about 1 1/2 years ago. It was mostly social at first, but it quickly grew into something more. She is 38 and I am 37. I have always been up front with her about my marriage. She didn't like the situation but was willing to accept it for now. Before meeting me she was a notorious flirt who would drink too much on Saturdays and get a "ride home" with some guy who was looking to get lucky, and often he did that night. That all changed when we started dating. We were the perfect couple. Everyone said I had saved her life, and that we were meant for each other. After dating for a year she told me  that she could not continue our relationship because my divorce was not moving forward. She said she still loved me and that I was her best friend. She wanted us to remain friends. I reluctantly understood her position and agreed. Then for the next six months nothing changed. Our feeling were so strong that we couldn't stop. She tried to date other guys and talk to me about them since I was her "best friend", but I would just get jealous and she would break it off and come back to me. We finally decided to take separate vacations last month for a week. While she was at the beach she "hooked up" with an old boyfriend for one night. She told this to me since I was her "best friend" and we were technically broken up. I explained to her that the situation was really hurting me, because I thought she was just sleeping around to get attention that I was perfectly willing to give her. I told her that I did not know if we could be friends and that I needed to take a break from her to clear my head. So, I went out of town for two weeks and had no communication with her.

After two weeks of quiet contemplation in the Rockies, I had finally come to terms with everything and was ready to close the door on this chapter of my life. So, around eight o'clock on Saturday night I went to the pub we frequented for a beer. When I got there I noticed her car in the parking lot, so I went out to the patio bar to build up my courage before going in. After an hour or so, I felt up to talking to her, so, I went into the bar. She wasn't in there. I went out to the parking lot to see if she had left while I was on the patio, but her car was still in the parking lot. I went back into the bar, thinking maybe she had gone to the bathroom. After an hour of drinking and not seeing her, the thought occurred to me that maybe she had left her car there the other night and had not been able to come out and get it. So, still feeling OK, I drove over to her house to see if I could give her a ride to get her car. When I got to her house, there was a strange car in her parking space. That's when I realized, that she was probably "entertaining" her latest "ride home". My stomach became tied up in knots. I really thought that I was going to be able to deal with this amicably, until that moment. I spent the rest of that night and all day Sunday in bed sick. I felt disappointed and betrayed by this woman who said she had changed and still loved me, and respected me as a friend. Until that moment I thought I could handle remaining friends with her. Now, I realized that it was going to be impossible. I can't keep torturing myself about her life decisions. I am scared to death that one of these days her "ride home" is going to hurt her, kill her, or give her some VD. Why does she do this? Why do I care? I want to hate her so badly, because then it would be easier to think of her as just a slut who wants attention. I just feel like the BS reason she gave me for breaking up was just an excuse for her to feel better about getting different "rides home".  I had forgotten how it feels to be truly crushed by someone. I guess it would have been different if she had truly changed, but it looks like she has gone back to being the same woman she was when I met her. I spent 1 1/2 years convincing her that she was better than that. Now, I feel like that was all wasted time.

On Sunday night I finally called her and we talked for over two hours. She was very apologetic about the scene on Saturday and simple said I wouldn't understand. However, she still can't bear the thought of loosing me as a friend. She says she still loves me. All of my friends are "our" friends, so I can't just erase her from my life, but I am dying inside right now. I need closure, so that I can move on. How can I do this when I still have to see her on a regular basis?


Answer
Hi Brian,

Thanks for writing to me.  I think you are definitely making the right decision by moving on from your relationship with this woman.  While I do think her stated reason for ending things with you,  the fact that your divorce wasn't progressing, was a legitimate one, clearly this woman has some self esteem issues if she is continuing to sleep with people indiscriminately at the age of 38.  It's as if she is mature enough to recognize that she needs your undivided attention, but somehow isn't mature enough to see that these other men are simply using her and she is ultimately more alone than she ever was when she was with you.  My guess is that deep down inside she doesn't feel that she deserves anyone decent, which is why she chose to break things off with you rather than work with you on a time table for when you need to end your marriage.  

All that being said, it is not your job to save her from herself.  You have to  walk away from this situation before it destroys you.  For that reason, I don't think there is any way you can remain friends with her.  There is too much history and emotional baggage between the two of you for you to be able to get the point where you can chat casually about her one-night stands.  You have to tell her in no uncertain terms that it's just too painful for you to remain "friends".  You have to question how good of a friend she is to you at any rate, when she clearly is flaunting her involvement with other men despite the fact that she knows it hurts you.  The fact that you share so many mutual friends makes things a little more difficult, but it doesn't mean it's impossible.  Tell your other friends how much this situation has hurt you, and tell them that from now on you will only be able to socialize when this woman is not around.  In the meantime, make an effort to meet some new friends or pursue a new hobby in order to fill your social needs.  There is no reason to keep torturing yourself like this.

Good Luck,

Dana Q