Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/27/2008

Question
My husband and I have been married 3 and 3 months today. We are both 25 yrs old with a 2 year old son. He grew up with his very neglective mother after his parents divorced due to her gambling addictions. His father moved to Illinois where he was also raised on occasion. I grew up in boarding schools up until I was 18 yrs old. So our child hood rearing was both difficult leaving us to grow up way before our time, but at the same time yearning for parental control and a family we never had. We've been friends since the 5th grade, but not close entirely only seeing each other during the summer months, until he joined the Navy in 2001, I later joined the Army in 2003. We kept in touch via email and phone, which led to him to propose. We never had the chance to date, he came straight from Guam on the 16, getting married on the 22nd. So just a little under a week of dating we were married, then on the 28th I left to Englad for a month which left us 4 months apart until we were able to get moved with each other. Things moved quick with us, because 6 months later I was pregnant after agreeing we wanted to have a child. I had my reasons that I wanted my father to see my child before he died of cancer. We were just 23 at the time, new parents, newly weds, new at being responsable for a whole lot of things. Stressed and dedicated to each other, we gave up our youth to become adults. We argued, we fought, we went to jail over a fight, we talked about a divorce, seperation, him moving back to his moms. I couldn't leave I was still in the Military. But we stuck it out fight after fight and it only got more tense. I was the money manager for our house, he worked hard and gave me his whole check taking own for himself. We were struggling from check to check, making payday loans just to make ends meet. I was 20 grand in debt, him only around 300.00 which now is 5 grand for me and his up to 2 grand. I deployed and set out a plan to where our money will go, savings, bills, leisure and our son. It would of worked if he would of kept to our schedule of feeding, bedding, bathing our son, and keep our weekend sitters so we can have some down time. But instead he didn't go to work, lost his jobs, didn't save, spent his pay checks and always took mine time after time I argued that he was spending way to much. He even took out of our savings, and the matters only got worst when he moved back with his mother and brother who both got gambling addictions. His mother is retired, who gambles everything away and asks us for money. And he is stupid to give it to her. His brother is drinking himself into is own grave after his girlfriend of umteen years died a few months ago. And now he left there after I begged and pleaded him too, because my son was in at house with arguements between his mother and all their smoking and his brother being drunk that led my husband into gambling every pay check away and then some of mine. So he finally got 4,500 grand his mother to move since I told him I didn't want to give him  no more. He took that $ and gambled it all away in one night, then he calls me and cries I'm sorry, I love you etc. I'm stressed and mad of course. I continue to give him money for my son, but then he always tells me he don't have $ for pampers and tells his family I'm not supporting them like I should. I worry about my son if he really is being cared for. When I did get my time to go home, his mother was so over protective of my son it made me furious that my husband just left him with his mother while he went out and got drunk and gambled. So after all the money fights, we break up for a few days and he says okay I'll help you save, and this that and the other. But every time it's never the same thing he says because if it's not one thing it's another with him. Getting busted for DUI, Gambling, going out drinking. He had an anxeity attack that didn't help his heart out, because he gots a heart murmer since he was in the Navy. So when we argue and are getting into the conversation about a seperation or divorce he says go ahead leave, I'll be dead in a few years anyways I'll go home and drink myself to death. So I'm in a struggle between him being serious or just using it as a pity excuse or plea I don't know. I was very depressed while I was pregnant and after words because he was not very supportive and always made it worse on me about our future together. Like I owed him something. So I sucked it up and believed his stories that we are together for our son and we were together so we can provide him the life and family we didn't have. Now I'm still gone and he's talking about being suicidal taking PAXIL for his depression, lost his job and hasn't got one in the past 2 months. I tried talking to him that things will be okay and that we're still together and I'm trying everything in my power not to use his past against him in hopes that we will be able to get together and start over. But recently I can't im so tired and exhuasted from it all. He complains that he's become a failure and a dissapointment to me and our son. He got his journeymans because I was able to help him and he did it for us, but he can't get a job because he has no motivation to get up for work or feed our son or even play with him. But he says he tries he takes him out to play and be productive but nothing. Now he wants to know what I want to do, I want a seperation because I may want a divorce if he can't get things right. I told him if he got his life together by time I come home I'll change my mind. But I dont' want to feel like he's using me to be his mother or something. He says I'm his only love and that I'm the only person he's loved, and that he does the good thigns in life for us. So why is it that when I tell him we're okay he keeps saying we're not? He agreed he'd let me take our son w/no problems, but I'm afriad he'll change his mind like always does. And when he gets mad he uses my son against me, like I'll never see him again. That he'll lie in court that I've cheated and that I never helped with son. When we shared an account he said he would take all my savings and I couldn't nothing about it. Which was true  I was over here. But I got a new bank account somewhere else, where I had to lie that I was getting a divorce so he couldn't have him on it. I cut the other cards off, changed it's address to my mothers so he can't use it. I use that account so I can pay for his car & his insurance that he hasn't been able to take care of since February of this year. Now it's almost paid off and I want my name off the title and the insurance. I want nothing to do with him financially because he's gotten me nothing more but more in debt. Now I have to struggle with this and the prospect of me moving back alone, raising my son alone. I want him there, but I dont' know what to say to him to make him realize that I am seriouse that I want him to get better, and our marriage isn't over yet. But I don't want to keep opening myself up to him so he can stomp all over my feelings when I'm trying to keep him happy emotionally and in my own good spirits because I've got other things on my mind. I dont' know I'm completely lost. He's moving out of his house that he got becuase I begged him to leave his mothers, and he says it's helped him realize that he's losing what he's worked for 3 years and he needs a therapist or something. He said he's going to treament for help. I think I have a lot of resentment towards him because he promised me all these things but kept messing up. We planned a real wedding for our 4th Anniversary and a honeymoon in Hawaii since we never got one. We planned on another baby, but he only wants a kid now so I won't deploy again. We planned on opening up a buisness together, now I'm trying to be optomistic but how can I when calls me and starts arguements with himself and says I'm trying to start it when I'm really now, I'm talking to him about what is going on. He must not like it or something and then gets a high pitched voice with an attitude and starts cussing at me. So in turn towards the end I try and keep calm, but it's always negativity to him. So today out of frustration I told him to stop "f'ing" calling me. He hung up, I feel bad but I can't deal with it anymore. I worry sometimes if he'll actually do something stupid to himself or if my son will be neglected by him. My mother said she'd help him w/son if he needs it. They literally live like 2 houses from each other. My mom don't like my mother in-law but she tries to be supportive of me in whatever I do. So if I do decide to go ahead with this I've made a plan B I guess you can say. But right now I need some I guess emotional space then the obvious 10,000 miles I am already am. So with all that said, what do I do? How do I let him know that I'm hurt by what he says and am only trying to make him feel better. So I dont' know what to do? Hench why I came to you for help.

Answer
Dear Amber,
First of all - please find a trusted family member or friend to make sure that your child is okay and being taken care of.  Next, put money aside for you to make a quick exit in the event that you decide you don't want to work out your marriage.  Right now you probably feel hopeless because you aren't there to do something about the situation.  So, you have to try to remain as calm as possible and focus on what you are doing right now and make sure that your child is okay.  The rest of the stuff you can deal with when you come home, but please please please.... protect yourself and put some funds aside for you to take care of you upon your return.  He has a lot of stuff that he needs to take care of on his own and there is no reason why he shouldn't get a job and take care of his responsibilities to you and your child - not his mother.... You aren't going to be able to change him so you are going to have to decide whether you want to keep things status quo or make your own life better for yourself.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica