Expert: Dana Q - 8/20/2008

Question
QUESTION: I broke up two weeks ago, with a good woman, I'll call her M.  We met last
Sept online, but since we live local it rapidly became in-person.  She's 31, I
am 30.  I had had a LDR taper off the past summer, and M had broken up
with her fiancee about the same time.  

From the start I wasn't sure about it... I wasn't as physically attracted to her
as I have been to previous gfs, and there were aspects to her personality that
grated on me.  But I thought, I've been too picky, and we had good physical
chemistry and matched intellectually (level, if not in interest), which has been
tough for me to find in the past.  A month into it, just after we had
"committed," I met someone else and did something very mean, removed M
from my blog, because I didn't want this other person to read it, and I wanted
to back out of our commitment.  (I made the mistake of committing to make
M feel better instead of doing it because I wanted to.)  (M had read my blog
almost front to back when we met, which bothered me but shouldn't be
unexpected.  But in the past I hadn't felt judged by what I posted there.)  It
was an a**hole thing to do, and I apologized.  That started our trust issues.  
We kind of just made it work for the winter, when she moved out of town (to
my home city, by happenstance.)  I had agreed to come and introduce her to
friends, and we found some of the old animosity had faded and things went
well.  We'd always had good chemistry, the physical stuff has never been bad.  
There were a couple other visits over the next months that went well.  Again,
I wasn't sure about her, but I thought I should give her a chance.  I don't have
much dating experience, so I don't know what's good and what work is
usually required.  What doubts should be listened to and what are being
neurotic?

She moved back here when that job didn't pan out, and soon after we had
another conversation.  This followed me going to a friends wedding, and
really thinking about M not being the person I want to be with forever.  This
time she offered to break, but I said no, I still wanted to give it a try.  She
always told me relationships are work, that in-love can come with time, and
we have a good thing... we talk, we sort our problems out.  She is also very
accepting of my peccadillos.  We had a great vacation where everything was
really good.  Then we got back, I got stressed with work, and things went
downhill, for me.  She was actually really supportive, when I hurt my back and
trying to get me out to relieve stress and being comforting, and thought
everything was going well.  But I was feeling overwhelmed.

In my mind, two things were going on.  I felt like I couldn't tell her no, that
she would be disappointed anytime I asked for breathing room by myself to
relax, and would talk me back into a whole weekend together.  I felt like I was
responsible for happiness, and that I couldn't bring up any doubts I was
having for fear of another bad conversation.  But also, as I spent more time
with her, and recognized that I wasn't returning the same level of affection, I
felt it was wrong to stay in it.  After another weekend at a friends wedding
and feeling like I was certain M wasn't the one, I felt I should get out.

I asked a friend who is a counselor what I should do, she suggested I was
being held hostage to her feelings, and that if I was sure I should get out.  
She suggested doing it with a prepared statement, and leaving, and that if I
was feeling clear about it, it was probably best not to waste time.  Well, M
didn't see it coming at all, she felt completely blindsided.  Instead of talking
and leaving, I spent the rest of the night holding her and answering questions
and trying to explain and feeling miserable for hurting her.  In all that it came
out that she really felt a lot for me, what I took as neediness was love, and
that all I needed to do was ask for space.  I have never hurt someone so badly
and I felt terrible about it.  I didn't realize how much she loved me.

But the way I did it kind of wrecked our trust, and I still am sure she is not
the one for me.  We may have compatible life goals, some shared values, and
good physical chemistry, but it just doesn't feel right to me.  Little things like
she's not interested in things I am or she spends money she doesn't have or I
still feel like I can't say no to her.  Or that I'm just not that excited about her,
she's not the first person I want to talk to or my best friend.  She'd say I'm
just being judgmental, and that I wouldn't want to be with another me, and
that i don't know how good we have it.  I am her best friend.

Anyway, she asked that I still be her friend, because I not only took her bf, I
took her best friend, and she needs my support while she changes jobs again
(to a better one, it's a good move for her).  I want to do the right thing by her,
because I feel terrible about how things went down, and I care.  We still talk
past each other, though, I get upset when she won't tell me what she wants,
and she gets upset my answer doesn't include her.

I realize I have some things to work on.  She's convinced me they are deep-
seated problems I need to address: being able to be open about concerns,
recognizing a good thing, not being judgmental.  This is the first serious
relationship I've had--I kind of missed out during the golden years in high
school and college, and have only in the last five years found my groove.  I
have had two LDR that lasted several months... but those ended mutually and
amicably.  There were doubts and judgments in those, but I was excited
about that person, too.  M usually felt like a burden, like something I was
trying to talk myself into because it was the "right thing to do," to give it a
chance.

Anyway, my question is, she wants me to still be her best friend, and I am
torn between wanting to be there for her and thinking she has to move on
and my being around isn't helping.  She's asked that I at least be there for
her till the end of the month when she moves away.  After that, it would
probably be best that we take a couple months not talking, but she'll feel like
she can't hang with our mutual friends and will probably still want me to be
there for her to lean on.

How much do I look out for me?  And how much do I look out for her?  I'm
trying hard not to be selfish.  It would be so much easier if I was a blatant
a**hole instead of a closet one.


ANSWER: Hi P,

Thanks for writing to me.  First of all, I think you are being way too hard on yourself.  Recognizing that someone isn't right for you doesn't make you an a**hole, nor does it make you judgmental.  The way I look at it, there are a lot of nice people in the world, but that doesn't mean you should have a relationship with all of them.  A nice personality is really just the bare minimum that someone should offer you; there has to be physical and emotional compatibility, shared values and ideas (not always an exact match on everything, but close), and passion.  The passion need not always be simply sexual, as that does fade with time, but basically you need to feel excited to be around the person - stimulated by their personality, intelligence, and physical appearance, combined.  Because this is all such a tall order for one person to encompass, you will need to be selective about whom you spend your time with, perhaps even to the  point that it may seem calculating at times.  I am a firm believer that when you meet the right person, you'll "know"; however, in order to ensure that you meet the right person, you can't waste your time trying to make a relationship work with someone who simply doesn't interest you.

You were right to try to break it off with M.  The only thing that you've done wrong is that you've allowed her to bully you into staying with her.  It's sad to hear that she is so desperate to be with someone that she is willing to essentially accept being "good enough for now"  for someone who has clearly told her he doesn't view as a longterm partner.  However, that is her issue to work out for herself.  You are not responsible for her happiness, or lack thereof.  You are not to blame for the fact that she is willing to tolerate being a "maybe", rather than a "yes" for someone.  You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and end this hostage situation now.  It's not fair to you or her to keep dragging it out when you know deep down that you'll ultimately get fed up one day and leave permanently.  The truth is, she probably is a good thing - just not YOUR good thing, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Unfortunately, because of M's tendency to cling to you and her habit of trying to pressure you into continuing your romance, this is not a situation where remaining friends may be possible.  Keep in mind that any scenario where she convinces you to stay friends will probably just be a cover for her ultimate plan of starting the relationship up again.  You don't need to feel obligated to be her friend.  She is an adult who is capable of making friends on her own.  Tell her that in time you may be able to be friends and only friends again, but for right now, you need time alone.  Hopefully, she will lose interest in you romantically and you can decide whether or not friendship is possible at a later point.  But for right now, the best thing is to cut off contact.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So you are the second person to give me that advice.  I want to clear up,
though, I'm not sure how much was her "holding me hostage" and more from
me not saying anything was bothering me.  She claims that if I had asked her
for space, she would have understood.  It's possible I did not do a good job
of letting my feelings be known, until they kind of built to a boiling point.

We've done pretty well when we talk thinks out.  After last weekend we
hashed a lot of things out and seem to be on good terms.  She says she does
not want to get into a relationship again.  Do you honestly think it's hopeless
to remain friends?  On my side, I just have to be careful not to do things just
to please her if I don't want to.  And the tension in the friendship would be
between her desire to give and receive a lot of attention, and my desire for
autonomy and space.  I recently had to take an MBTI for work, and
encouraged her to do the same.  I am an INTP, and lo, she is an ESFJ.  No
wonder we clashed in so many ways despite our rational compatibilities.  But
given this insight, I have a better idea of where she's coming from, and also
saw in my own behavior some of the classic INTP pitfalls.  And in hers, some
of ESFJ's pitfalls.

Is it really necessary to cut off contact, if I can maintain clear boundaries and
just make the small efforts to let her know her friendship is appreciated?  I
know I just have to be careful not to let my attraction for her get me back to
where I know I don't fit.

Answer
P,

If you genuinely feel that you won't allow yourself to get sucked back in to a relationship that you don't feel can work, and if you think that she is capable of being friends and only friends with you, remaining friends is an option.  Generally, though, staying friends after a break-up is a tricky proposition.  Usually I only recommend it if you were friends first before trying a romantic relationship.  You will have to keep in mind that she has a tendency to cling and that you have a tendency to want to please her, and staying friends is going to require a clear discussion of what the boundaries will be.  At any rate, you can give being friends a try, but I would recommend cutting off contact if you feel either or both of you slipping back into old habits.

Dana Q