Expert: ***ERICA*** - 9/21/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello. I will try and give as much detail as I can.
I am a 36 year old Irish man,5foot 11inches, slim and fit. Short dark hair, green/hazel coloured eyes. I look ten years younger than my 36 years. Last summer, at my best friend's wedding in France, I met a gorgeous Russian girl(a friend of my friend's wife). She lives and works in Switzerland. We had instant chemistry and fell in love at first site. She is 26, 5' 6", brown/plum coloured hair. Brown/green eyes and coffee coloured skin.
To cut a long weekend short, after two days of cat and mouse, we got it togeather. As I was leaving, she grabbed me and kissed me hard on the lips as if to tell me what the last few days had meant to her. We were both besotted by each other and after a long weekend in Paris, decieded to give a relatoinship a go.
I visited her many times in Switzerland, the two of us becoming more attached the more we saw of each other.
The trouble began in May of this year. My mother got seriously ill and had to spend 2 months in hospital. Along with work commitments(as a working musician, I have to 'make hay while the sun shines') I didn't get to see my love for the whole summer. You can imagine how she felt, it is not easy for her to visit Russia. She needs a visa to visit me so she feels very alone at times in Switzerland. The loneliness got to her and she met someone else a few weeks ago and broke off the relationship.
When I met her, I thought 'she's it!' 'This is the woman I want to marry'. I don't say this lightly either. I spent 8 years with someone before that so I am not a novice when it comes to relationships.The break up has left me feeling totally shitty. I feel like the love of my life is lost. She has told me that she has never felt as intensely about someone before as she did about me and that the guy she is with(someone she met at work) is not as exciting as me. She has admitted to me on the phone that she doesn't love this man and that she is with him because he 'looks after her'.
I have told her that this kind of intense feeling doesn't come about many times in one's life. I have tried to tell her I love her and I miss her terribly. She has admitted she still loves me but insists our relationship isn't going anywhere and she needs company and affection everyday. I know how she feels, so do I! She wants to remain in touch too. I questioned her on this. She answered it's because I mean so much to her and she doesn't want to loose me. I asked her what her new man thinks of this. She replied 'It's none of his business'. That says to me she hasn't told him of our time togeather. Why? Does she not want to admit that he is only second best? That he is only being used for convienience while her heart lies elsewhere?
I really feel like she is getting rid of something very special and honestly feel she will regret this in a while, may be not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon....
I have never felt the need to ask anyones help on something like this before but I'll take any help as this is hurting. Right now, I can't see myself feeling any different about this any time in the future. When we met, something clicked deep inside me and in her too and I think it's criminal to throw that away as It may not come around again for either of us.
Kevin

ANSWER: Dear Kevin,
You are not the one who is throwing the relationship away - she is.  I had to put myself in your shoes... if I was madly in love with someone and for whatever reason logistically we had to be apart there is noone that would be able to break through the bond that I share with that person.  Therefore, you have to accept what she has chosen to do.  If you want to keep in touch with her that is your choice, but it may be painful to do so.  There is no harm in her telling you what she may think that you want to hear, but you don't know what she is telling him and the fact that she broke off the relationship is an indication that she wanted to be with someone else no matter what her reasoning is.  If things are meant to be between the 2 of you then you will have to sort through all of the details and logistically find a way to make it work.  However, I wouldn't uproot my life unless I knew that the other person was as commited to the relationship as I was.  These are very difficult decisions that only the 2 of you can make.  But, please be sure that she is in it for the long haul.... the way that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.  Your right.... love doesn't come along often nor does an intense connection, but it has to be 2 people that make a relationship work especially one for a lifetime... Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Here's where we stand now. I spoke to her this week. I told her I had to sort this out before it drove me crazy. I told her I loved her as soon as I saw her. I asked to be honest as this may be the last contact we ever have. She admitted she loved me as soon as she saw me. She admitted that she thought about spending the rest of her life with me and about having children with me.
Her time in Switzerland is quiet dull. She commutes to a 9 to 5 so is up at 6 every morning and home at 7. Leaving little time for fun. Her family situation means she cannot travel home and she has a number of years to go in Switzerland before she become naturalized. She is stuck there basically. This made her feel terribly lonely and this guy comforted her when I couldn't. During the conversation I mentioned a situation involving  a friend of mine. 12 or 13 years ago a pal broke up with the girl he thought he was going to marry. Since then he has married another and has had some children. His ex also married but last year the continuing love for my friend made her seek him out, she travelled from Europe to here and they met and they both realized they still loved each other. She even thought about leaving her husband to correct the mistake. I told my girl this story. I honestly think, despite the last few weeks, she loves me and that it will bubble up again and I didn't want either of us in a position we couldn't get out of if indeed we were the loves of each other's lives. so I made a deal with her. In two years, she will be a naturalized Swiss and will be able to travel. So, I said on her birthday two years from now, if we both feel the same, I will ask her to marry me. She replied thus...'It's a deal :)!'
I know it's crazy, but at least the two years will work as a sanity buffer. Infatuation doesn't last that long so we should know if these feelings are real by then.

Answer
Hi Kevin,
Actually, I don't think its crazy at all.  I truly believe that if 2 people are meant to be together.... they definitely will be.  But, in the interim, please don't put your life on hold.  Please be open to meeting other people and doing other things as she has found comfort in someone (which I don't agree with.)  When I am sad and lonely I find comfort in my family and friends.  But, everyone handles things differently.  I would try to limit the contact so that you could be open to other avenues.  I would also tell her at some point that both of you need to be honest with each other and if one or the other or both finds someone else that they are happy with then they need to let the other person know.  It is only fair.... Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica