Expert: Dana Q - 9/25/2008

Question
My boyfriend (age 22) and I (age 19) were together for four years, and we broke up about 4 months ago. He said he needed a break and that he felt like he was missing out on things, which I understood and I didnt think it was such a horrible thing. However, he said he did not want to date anyone, just kind of enjoy the single life and be on his own for a while. However, it was soon after we agreed to this break that I discovered that not only was he seeing someone, it was someone he met while we were together. Once I realized this I confronted him, and I told him that I felt he decieved me because he made it seem like he was just going to do his own thing and I felt like he left me to be with someone else. I told him that if he was going to continue to see this woman (she is 37) then I would take myself out of the picture and no longer be an option for him. He then told me he was sorry and he wanted to be with me and said all the right things, but then the next day he said he wasn't sure again. After this, we agreed it would be best to see other people, but still remain on good terms with one another. I felt like I held up my end of the bargain, but he did not. I would call him every once and a while just to check in (Which he said he wanted) and he wouldn't answer or wouldnt call me back for hours. I asked him that if he was seeing someone else and didnt want me to call him to let me know, and he always said that he wanted to talk to me and that I was the one he loved and wanted a future with, but just not right now. We ended up getting back together briefly but it ended when he started acting wierd again, and stopped answering my calls and stopped calling. We had a long discussion and I told him that I thought we needed to spend some serious time apart so that I would know whether his feelings were real. (At this time I also found out that he had previously lied to me about the level of intimacy he had gone to with the woman from before--mind you before this time neither of us had been with anyone else intimately.)
After that, i moved about an hour away to go to school, but before I left, I had sent him a very long email expressing my feelings about how he had been acting, how he would tell me that he wanted a future with me but then would blow me off by not calling or answering when I called, and how I didn't think it was fair that I was being so patient and understanding with him and giving him time and space and he couldn't even call me to see how I was. I spilled my guts and I opened the door to him so that if he had anything he wanted to say or feelings he wanted to express, he was able to. I felt like it was my last try at making things work between us. He called me then and told me that he didnt have anything to say, which made me feel like he just didnt care anymore. When I told him that I wanted to see him before I moved, he said "We'll see" and the day i left, he didn't so much as call me to say drive safe or anything. After that I didnt hear from him for about 3 weeks, when, on his birthday, I called him just to wish him a good one. I was finally at a point of closure where I was happy on my own, I was enjoying my life and just being on my own, and then he started calling me again. Now he tells me he wants to be with me and he is sorry and wishes he could take everything back. I just don't feel right now that I am in a place to be with him and give him a fair chance. I always told him I believe in second chances, but I dont feel like my heart is in it right now to give him a second chance. I told him that I wasnt saying I dont ever want to be with him again, but just not right now, and that I just needed time and space to be ok on my own before I am back with him. He doesnt understand and he is getting mad at me for not being ready, he blames it on my moving away he thinks that I am "forgetting about him", which is not the case at all. I just feel like he treated me so badly during our "break" by lying and telling me all the right things just to keep me around, I just want to enjoy myself now and have fun. I feel like I need to do this for myself, and I feel like if he really loved me, he would give me the time that I need, especially considering the fact that he is the reason that I am so confused right now.
At the same time though, we had a pretty good relationship before all this happened, we never really fought or had many major issues, and I feel like I will want that again one day, but just not right now. And I worry that if I dont give him the chance right now, i might be making a mistake. I am just really confused.

I am sorry that this is so long, but any advice you have would be so helpful. Thank you so much.

Answer
Hi Rachel,

Thanks for writing to me.  I think you are doing the right thing by staying on your own.  I can understand why you're finding it hard to give him a second chance; he treated you very poorly during your "break", so poorly that it seemed he'd forgotten all about you.  I hate to say it, but I think he's come back to you because the relationship with the other woman didn't work out.  The fact that he can't understand why you are hesitant to start your relationship up again shows how selfish he truly is.  I know it's scary to pass up the opportunity, but if you look at the some total of his behavior, it's clear that he thinks life should be all about him.  Even though you didn't fight over mundane issues, you had a major fight over the state of your relationship that revealed his not-so-attractive side, so it's not as if you're passing on the ideal guy here.  Do your best to stay strong and resist the temptation to go back to him.  I think you are much better off without him in your life.

Good Luck,

Dana Q