Expert: ***ERICA*** - 9/7/2008

Question
Dear Erica,
My boyfriend (45) and me (38) have been in a long-distance relationship for 4.5 years (him in England, me in Russia). It was a very deep, intense, sincere, passionate relationship. We were best friends and confidants for each other. The distance was always painful, but we never doubted that one day we'll be together. But before that, we both needed to split with our ex-partners (we were both in other relationships when we met). He did this first and got "single" a year ago, I started the divorce soon after. But just when I was about to become "fully available", he started to become more distant and to withdraw, and I knew that he started to date other women behind my back.
I was paralyzed with pain and fear, I asked him what was going on, and whether he had doubts about our relationship and our future, and he dropped the bomb. He said he was very tired of all this, and as much as he loved me, he found this distance so crippling. He also added that we were too different culturally, and had different expectations to life. And that he wanted space and to cease all contact. All this in an e-mail. I was shocked - he never ever mentioned any of this earlier, so we had no chance to sort these issues earlier. This happened early April. 3 months later he sent me another e-mail saying he still loved me, and it was tough to be apart, but that "this is how it has to be", that we have separate lives from now on. And he thanked me for everything.
So it's been almost half a year, but I'm still so far from being over it. Questions and hurt feelings come back to me again and again. I tried to forgive him and move on, it works for a few days, and then pain comes back. I've tried to be calm and positive all these months, not blaming him for anything or sounding angry, even though inside i was.
I still can't accept this emotionally, mentally, even logically - maybe because we never had a proper closure (only e-mails), and I never had the chance to ask him what exactly he meant, and what was the problem, and whether i hurt him with someting. This is haunting me.
Erica, what is the best way to round it up inside of me, and move on, as I seem to have got stuck in a rut? Should I ask him for an honest talk, or write him a letter where I really do express all my feelings about the breakup - from pain and anger to love and best wishes to his future? I still love him so so much, I know I can't just "forget" him, it's impossible. And I do still hope deep in my heart that he will chance his mind and we'll be together again. How can I heal better? Thank you in advance for your advice.

Answer
Hi Anna,
I know that this is incredibly painful, but the last thing that you want to do is give him the power to hurt you again through rejection.  We tend to never get the answers that we really want and need.  Write a long letter, but don't send it.  It's impossible to forget someone that we spent a long time with, but we can place them in a special area of our heart and then move on with our lives.  There is nothing that you can do to change his mind because we can't control what someone feels, thinks, or does.  We just have to let time take us through the painful motions of getting over someone and its never easy.  You will probably not get the closure that I know you need.  We have all been there.  But, you can try to gain closure by writing the letter and having a good cry.  Then, you must try to let go of hope and start the acceptance process - only then will you truly be able to start moving on with your life.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica