Expert: Dana Q - 9/17/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met a man online and we spent a lot of time together, as well as talking on the phone for about 3 months.  Granted, that's a short period of time; however, we clicked almost instantly and had a great time together.  Recently, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. He has distanced himself to the point of no contact.  I asked him to help me understand.  He said there were no negatives as far as I was concerned and that he was going to hibernate for a while and work on recovery.  He indicated his libido was very low, that he wasn't concentrating on dating, right now, and that he had to focus on his health.  I assured him I understood and also assured him I care.  What I don't understand is why he spends time with "friends" (when he isn't in pain, according to him) and why he remained on the dating site.  I also found out he had communicated with someone on the dating site who had contacted him (actually the same day he offered his explanation to me for not being interested in dating) and had told them he liked their profile, and asked that a photo be sent to him.  One of the questions the person that contacted him was, "What are you interested in -- dating, friendship, relationship, etc.?"  He responded by saying he was interested in dating and if a relationship developed, then that would be fine.  Even though he had not made a verbal commitment to me, he was not seeing anyone else during the time we saw each other (by the way, each time he paid me a visit, he showed up with a dozen roses, which of course, touched my heart). In my last conversation with him I asked him if we were still "a work in progress" (his words), when describing our relationship, meaning going with the flow. He said there hadn't been anyone else, and there wasn't presently anyone else (again, this was the same day he responded to the person on the dating site).  He sounded believable, and his past pattern had been to be upfront and honest.  My heart is breaking because I truly cared for him.  He said he would keep in touch.  The worst part is that he wasn't honest with me with regard to not having a desire to date at this particular time.  I had never placed any demands on him gave him the space when he needed it.  Our communication was good and I don't understand why he didn't just explain it to me.  I've debated whether or not I should tell him about the dating site incident.  I have held back on that due to his condition.  This is so hard for me.  I'm the type person who would be there for him and it seems to me that he would want to be near a person he cared for, not trying to meet someone new.  Should I let him know that I know, and should I contact him via email with regard to his condition?

ANSWER: Hi Sheri,

Thanks for writing to me.  Unfortunately, it sounds like he wants to keep you on the back burner while he looks around to see what else he can find.  He wanted to keep you on his list of possibilities, so he played it as if you were the only one he seemed interested in and blamed his failing health as the reason you weren't together more often.  The honest thing to do would have been to tell you that he liked you but wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, and that he wanted to date other people in addition to you.  But, as you can imagine what your reaction to that would have been, honesty would not have served his purposes well.  

It sounds to me like you are still upset that this isn't an exclusive relationship, rather than the fact that this guy treated you badly.  He was dishonest and a little manipulative here.  Regardless of his medical condition (which he exploited anyway so as to keep you hanging on), he did an inconsiderate and dishonest thing.  For me, that would end my interest in him, and I would not only tell him that I knew about the other woman but also let him know that I was no longer interested in being considered for the position of his maybe-girlfriend.  You, however, may feel differently about all of this.  If you truly are interested in pursuing a relationship with this man, tell him you're aware of the communication with the other woman and are hurt and confused as to why he handled things this way.  However, he will probably just make excuses for his behavior or evade responsibility for his actions by getting angry with you that you have checked up on him.  Just make sure you ask yourself first if it's really worth all of this effort for someone who for whatever reason isn't completely taken by you.    

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your response.  It has been three weeks since I have heard from this man.  In our last conversation he did state that I deserved a full life (I'm assuming he meaant a totally healthy man, I don't know).  The tone if his voice was onee of genuine concern.  Personally, I feel that he doesn't know what he wants, at this point).  My question is, has too much time lapsed to contact him with regard to the way things were handled?  I do care for him, and feel that if his health hadn't been an issue, things might have played out differently.  Frankly, it is difficult for me to understand how any man could do such an about face -- I do feel that he was sincere at the time he was seeing me.
Thank you for your response.

Answer
Hi Sheri,

I think that three weeks of no contact means he has moved on at this point.  Contacting him now, even if it's only to point out that he handled this poorly, will make you look desperate.  Since he was interested in getting a photo from another woman, I think it's safe to say that he doesn't consider his health issues to be an obstacle to dating.  This relationship wasn't meant to be, and if you ask me, it sounds as though you're better off now that it is over.  I think it's best that you give yourself some time to heal and let this relationship go.  

Dana Q