Expert: Dana Q - 9/14/2008

Question
Hi Dana,
I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now, though
we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I am 21 and
she is 22. I never really asked what we were but we were
very couple-y and hung out almost every day. We started
messing around together about a week after we started
getting close, but we never had sex during that time. Once
during the relationship, she told me that we needed to stop
what we were doing because it felt wrong and that she
doesn't see me as being her boyfriend. That night, she told
me it would be our last night together. She told me that
I'm not the type of guy she usually goes for, and that
there are things about my personality that frustrate her,
and then she didn't see me or talk to me for a few days.
However, she did come back to me within a week, saying that
she missed me. Another time at my place, she started crying
while we were lying in bed, and in the morning she wrote me
a long letter explaining that she was confused, and that
she had gotten so used to being lonely and abused by men.
She told me in the letter that "no one person can take away
all of my pain, but you've come darn close" and that I
brought out parts of her she forgot about - the part that
knows how to smile and laugh, the part that knows how to
love. Things went great for a while, and we hung out very
often.
The other day somehow we finally had sex but she stopped
midway through and just lay there, saying that she was mad
at herself for going that far and that it wasn't supposed
to happen. She said she felt depressed so I just laid there
for a while with her and held her, and after a while she
said, "I'm not depressed because I did all that stuff ...
I'm depressed because I did it with someone I still have
doubts about." She then explained the same things as
before, that she didn't think I'm the type of guy she is
looking for, and that she knows I'm trying hard but that I
shouldn't have to change myself for her. I tried to explain
that even though I couldn't be that perfect guy, I can be
the best me that I could for her. She told me she wanted to
take a break for 2 weeks, took all her stuff from my place
and left. She told me she'd think about us and that she
didn't know when she'd see me again. The whole time she was
crying.
My question is, what do I do? I am devastated and I want to
say something but I have already made my case to her ... is
there anything else I can say to make her come back? Also,
do you think she will come back? Does she just need time,
or is she gone for good? Thanks in advance...  

Answer
Hi Paul,

Thanks for writing to me.  Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do here is give her time, knowing full well that she may not come back.  The important thing here is to understand why she acted the way she did.  She either doesn't feel she deserves to be loved and treated well, or she doesn't feel you fit the ideal image of a boyfriend.  If it's the first thing, there is only so much you can do to help her.  You can't make her feel that she deserves love if she doesn't feel she deserves it herself.  If it is the latter and she doesn't feel you're up to par with her standards, then maybe it's time for you to re-think whether you want her in your life.  You don't want to be with someone who has decided to "settle" by being with you.  Give her the two weeks she needs.  If she comes back, apologizes, and wants to make a new start, have a long talk with her about how she views your relationship.  If you get the impression that she feels she is settling or that she's with you because you're a security blanket, I don't recommend going back to her.  If she appears genuinely sorry and in love with you, then give her another chance.  If she doesn't come back at all, it probably means you didn't fit her ideal profile of a boyfriend, in which case you are better off without her.

Good Luck,

Dana Q