Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/16/2009

Question
My ex broke up with me on the 24th October after over 3 years and a child together. The reason for the break up was because of my attitude (I was controlling, had a go at him often for little things, moaned a lot, and questioned everything) and that I had changed completely from when he first met me to now. I pleaded with him to give me another chance and assured him I'd change but he said no. He told me he still has some love for me and would like for us to get back together if he sees the change but then he’ll also talk to me like we’re never going to get back together. He just says if we get back together then we get back together. He says there are moments when he sees the change but then I’ll say something that annoys him and he ends up snapping. He is in his last year of University and he is scared he is going to fail if he doesn’t concentrate. I have to see him for our son and on a few occasions he has been all affectionate and tried it on then when I ask him why he did it he just says that he doesn’t know why he did it. His family even thought we had got back together because of his actions. I have absolutely no-one to talk to. Over the years I have lost contact with all of my friends and I can’t talk to my family because they huff and puff and just put me in a worse mood. I feel very lonely at this moment in time and do not know what to do. I’m still in love with him and just can’t seem to let go, although I know I need to and have tried to on several occasions. Do you think there is any hope for us? What should I do? I desperately need some help with this.

Answer
Dear Emma,
Please get yourself a support group... Reach out to old friends, make new ones, and your family.  Sometimes after you have a baby it takes so much out of you and your so focused on the new baby (which is fabulous) but you forget to take care of yourself.  There have been some major changes in both of your lives, but you have to take care of you.  Here are some questions to ask yourself.  Why have you changed so much?? Why are you distrusting?? Why are you not enjoying the relationship but rather questioning it all of the time?? Noone wants to be questioned all of the time or controlled.  Human nature is that when someone is pushed into a corner they come out swinging.  Use this time to concentrate on you and make some changes in your life to feel better about you.  Once you start to feel better about you then and only then are you going to be able to enjoy those things around you.  Whether you get back together or not you have to change your outlook or you are going to be extremely sad and eventually depressed and you have a wonderful child to take care of.  You have to let him go ~ you can't make someone feel something that they don't.  However, the next time he tries to get close to you when you guys aren't back together ~ put a stop to that immediately.  He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.  Also, as difficult as it may be ~ don't ask about your relationship.  Keep the conversation to a minimal ~ only about the baby.  Look great ~ feel great ~ and fake it til you make it...... Then, he will see whether or not you are what he wants.  Noone likes someone sad, angry, miserable, and needy..... Only you can get your life back.... It's hard, but doable.  Good Luck