Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/30/2009

Question
Hello.  I'm 21 and my ex boyfriend is 22.  We started dating in May and I broke up with him three months later in August.  He had cheated on me, given me an STD, gone behind my back with another girl, and always starting arguments.  He has a horrible temper and is jealous and would blame me for things and get angry for no reason. He is also extremely insecure and depressed. He started telling me he loved me in July, and I never said it back because he was always drunk when he said it.  I finally couldn't take his temper and attitude and broke it off a week before moving back to college an hour away.  Since then we continued seeing eachother, hanging out, talking, and texting.  We would fight a lot, usually because one of us wanted to get back together and the other didn't.  He called me names, accused me of sleeping around, swore at me all the time, and was just mean. I tried breaking it off for good and he'd get mad telling me I was giving up and that he wanted to be with me, he just wasn't ready.  I had started telling him I loved him.  Usually he accused me of being drunk, even though I don't drink. Rarely would he say it, always when he was drunk, saying he was scared to tell me.  At the end of September I found out I was pregnant.  He'd admitted it was on purpose when he was drunk but when he found out he freaked out and convinced me to get an abortion.  It was the most awful situation in my life.  He'd promised to be supportive but our relationship had even more ups and downs after.  He started drinking a lot more.  He'd get drunk and try to get me to come over to sleep with him, other times he'd be really nice.  Any time I'd try to tell him I couldn't take it anymore he'd threaten to never talk to me again, or throw a fit and I'd stay.  Or he'd tell me he was done, we'd argue, and he'd keep talking to me.  I kept going back because I knew he could be a good person, but his he was always at the bars, drinking and gambling. One night, we talked and he said he wanted to be with me, didn't want to lose me, hoped things worked out because I was the one he thought he wanted to marry, he just wasn't ready for a serious, committed relationship because he wasn't sure of himself.
He started treating me even worse, sometimes ignoring me altogether.  I told him I was really done if he couldn't get it together.  He said told me to go ahead and see other people if it made me happy and I said no, but asked if he was.  He wouldn't answer.  We argued some more and the next day he tried talking to me.  I ignored him. He told me he was done too.  Then, he got weird.  He got nice the next day, calling me on every break at work, asking how I was doing, and said we needed to talk and it wasn't bad and said he was trying to make me happier.  I went to see him that night and was so nice to me and said he'd missed me and wouldn't have asked me to come up if he didn't want to be with me. The next three days he barely spoke to me.  He called a few time to see what I was up to, got paranoid when I didn't answer a text, and got drunk every night texting me to come sleep with him.  I told him no.  One morning he was still drunk, texting me vulgar things trying to get me to come over again.  I told him no, I would not sleep with him anymore until I could trust him.  He ignored me all day. I told him to step up or get out of my life and quit making me unhappy because I was a smart, self-respecting, happy woman.  I've been unhappy and insecure for months because of him, but I didn't tell him that.  The next day he told me I deserved better.  The day after I told him I hoped he confronted his issues and learned to not rely on sex and alcohol to be happy because no one could fix him but himself.  He got mad, told me he hoped I felt better.  The next day I said I hoped he was doing well.  He apologized that things hadn't worked out.  He started drinking that night and texting me.  I wouldn't answer and he said, "Answer me please"...when he found out I was going out too, he got weird again. I kept shrugging him off and he kept telling me he loved me, missed me, etc.  He texted me for the next three hours, telling me he loved me, asking if we could get married, kept saying how serious he was, he wanted me now, he missed me, please not to find another guy because he was my guy.  I finally met up with him.  He was incredibly drunk and kept telling me he loved me over and over again.  He's never said it in person. I took him home to make sure he was okay.  He was in the bathroom, throwing up and suddenly broke down.  He's never emotional and pride's himself that anger is his only emotion.  He was crying uncontrollably telling me how sorry he was about the baby, how much he regretted it, how badly he'd wanted it, he'd messed up bad, could he make me pregnant again.  What?!?! I told him no.  He cried for the next half hour or more, begging me to forgive him and telling me how much he loved me and hated himself and begged me to save him because he didn't know what to do anymore.  I finally got him into bed.  He woke up a few hours later, still telling me he loved me.  The next morning, he said, "Bye baby, I'll call you when I wake up.  I love you." He never called.  He texted some jerk comment and I asked if he regretted anything he'd said the night before.  He said he didn't know, he barely remembered.  He ignored every text I sent except to say thank you for taking care of him last night.  I told him I didn't trust him and until he proved he was better than this I wanted nothing to do with him.  Hours later he sent a text and said, "I'm sorry for everything, Erica." I told him whether he really did love me and was just that scared and confused or he was using me, it was messing me up and that although I wouldn't turn my back on him I needed to clear my head and to please leave me alone until he confronted his issues too.  We didn't talk for a few days until I texted one morning to say I'd cleared my head and asked if there was anything he wanted to say.  He asked how I was doing, sent me a picture message of the football game he was at. Hours later asked what was new lately.  I replied and he said "Same here, you know me."  I couldn't take it anymore.  He was acting like we were friends.  I told him I missed being happy with him but that what he did the other night was horrible.  To bring up our baby and then turn his back on me again and leave me to try to fix all the hurt I'd been trying to fix alone for the last two months and then undo it all again for me. I told him I was fine without him because I couldn't forgive him yet and said I was doing well but couldn't talk to him if he was going to act like nothing ever happened and all was okay.  I told him to do what he needed to do and hoped we could talk then.
He never responded and he won't.  
What the heck is his deal now?  Is he seeing someone else?  Then why suddenly did he have that breakdown, even drunk?  Why did he pull the "let's get back together" card, twice?  He's never done that.  Why does he suddenly ignore me and not even respond with the usual, "Fine, bye Erica." or get angry?  Or is he that angry or upset or just indifferent that he won't talk to me?  It's made my life easier, I'm just confused.

Thank you so much.

Answer
Dear Erica,
He has so many of his own problems that staying away from him and having no contact is the only way you are going to be able to maintain any of your own sanity.  Stay away... He obviously has a drinking problem, but will only get it together when he wants to and in the meantime are you going to continue to allow yourself to be verbally, mentally, and/or emotionally abused?  When is enough going to be enough?  There is nothing in your email that is positive about this situation only toxicity.  You need to get busy with your own life and even though it hurts to not have him in your world you are going to be much better off.  There are so many mind games... and bad behavior.... Don't you believe that you deserve BETTER??? EVEN if it means that you are going to be alone for a little while??? Concentrate on your own life and the things that you love to do.  It hurts like hell, but by staying away from him and having no contact you will start to heal and you will begin to feel better.... baby steps..... Keep him out of your world... We teach people how to treat us... You deserve better treatment.... Care about yourself just a little bit..... until you care about yourself A LOT!!!  GOOD LUCK