Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/10/2009

Question
QUESTION: Finally after many months, my ex has moved out as well as his (rude and nasty) 16 yo son.
The bad news is he moved into the apartment upstairs and has been making my life miserable ever since.
To the public they are polite and helpful, but at home they are just mean.  Some examples include when the son kicked in the screen of my laptop up to splattering my hair conditioner on the wall, and putting my toothbrush in the clorox bleach bottle.  His father defends him.  and within the past year has been leaving work early and hanging at the bar, you have to be a member and he told me I could not join.  

Anyway, as it stands now, his has messed my mail on at least 3 occasions and I've had to open a Po box.  The realtor gave him the shed even though my lease says I have access and was here furthermore forcing me to remove my items.

I have three bedroom windows, one he has blocked with his motorcycle, the other has been set up with chairs for the teenagers to hang out, and the third window is being taken up when he pulls the jeep into the yard.

The answer is for me to move but I really cannot afford to do it, so I am stuck here for a while.  I discovered this evening that he has had a girlfriend for sometime, who seems to be perfectly willing to sneak in and out at all hours.  It's none of my business, but it still hurts.  ( And you know he denied it, of coarse).

This is an excerpt from the authors of "he's just not into you" that describes my situation to the CT

How do you know when your guy has already decided in his head that it's over, but he's not going to cut the ties we what you call in the book a "backhanded breakup"?  Guys will pick fights over little things when they don't have the guts to get out of a relationship. So if you're fighting over leaving the curling iron plugged in, that's probably a sign that something bigger is going on. He's just waiting for you to get mad and say something like, "Well, then maybe we shouldn't be together!" Then all he has to say is, "Good, I'm outta here." It's very sneaky.

Other then moving which will take some time and is my intention, can you give me some advice on how to maintain my sanity.  Oh yeah then theres the alienation of my friends and the support he has from his own.

Thank you.
Dawn

ANSWER: Dear Dawn,
There is obviously a small part of you that is still "in" this crazy situation because if you really wanted to be done and out you would stay with a family member or friend until you could afford to move.  What the 2 of you are doing is crazy.... If you really didn't care your actions would be very different.  Once you are emotionally DONE with this man then and only then will you do whatever it takes to stay away from him and keep him out of your life.  You can't have a backhanded breakup if YOU don't allow it.  You deserve better than what you are getting and going through, but you are the only one who can change it ~ until then you are going to live in this crazy world and the longer you live in it the more you are going to hurt, get angry with him and yourself, and not have any sense of normality.  You will know when you are done because you will walk out and never look back.  Good Luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow, I did ask for brutal honesty, but i'm not sure you understood my point.  I do not have family, my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are dead.  I do not have many friends and the ones that I do have are not in a position to let me move in.  My finances are such that I can not afford to move, it will take a few months.  In the meantime I would like not to have my mail tampered with, or my garbage gone through, and I would like to open a window without having my privacy invaded.  I go to work, I spend time with my friends, I come home as late as I can, and avoid all contact with this man.  I am not "in" it by choice and have quit this relationship months ago.  I understand your confusion, maybe my question should be better put as; I have a really bad neighbor that is disrespectful of my personal space and privacy, and do you have any suggestions on how to maintain my dignity for the few months that it will take for me to afford to move to a new location, where I can once again enjoy peace in my life and home.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Answer
Dear Dawn,
I am brutally honest and maybe I did misunderstand your question.  If you know for a fact that he is tampering with your mail you could go to the District Attorney's office or your local magistrates office and file a complaint because that is a FEDERAL offense.  You can only do the best that you can do if you have don't have anywhere else to go.  Unfortunately, it appears that you are going to be living like a prisoner in your own home when your home should be your sanctuary.  You maintain your dignity by taking the proper steps to avoid any type of confrontation with this neighbor ~ even if you have to get the authorities involved.  He is choosing to do these things ~ therefore, he must suffer the consequences.  Otherwise, if you don't take any legal action he will continue to do them until he gets some kind of reaction... Sometimes certain types of people enjoy any attention even if it is negative attention.  I would also address the situation with your landlord and let he or she know what is going on.  You have the right to live in your apartment without feeling like a prisoner.  You shouldn't have to come home as late as possible if you want to come home early.  It's a terrible way to live and my suggestions are the things I would start with.... Contact your landlord and don't be afraid to involve the authorities if his behavior continues to be the same.  Good Luck.... I hope you can move out fast...