Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
Im guy 23 my x-girlfriend is 20
we had split-up 5 months ago after a 6 months relation, she is a very nice girl in nature even thinking styles are also same of ours, i really loved her she also loves me still, she was perfect soul mate for me. but after some time in relationship i started feeling unatracted to her because she is not beautiful enough  for me.
initially i fell in her love & later realised that it was just an attraction, suddenly i started feeling stucked with her & i really wanted to explore my other options. she failed to attract me anymore, i explained the real situation to her, she cried a lot making me feel guilty. but after then we split up. i never wanted to hurt her but i had. she is very nice girl i will always love her but her unattractiveness comes in between.

now we dont talk to each other & also never seen face of each other since the break up but yesterday we came face to face, had no talk. & i started feeling very guilty to her & cant concentrate on my work, im thinking we should come close again cause i still love her but she dont attracts me sexually. i dont know what to do, if i go with her again then i will not be satisfied fully.

i even thought that is sexual attraction, attractive body & pretty face are important for guy than nature of a girl? but when i observed me i felt they are important me.

plz help me. dont know what to do im not happy to see her sad.

ANSWER: Dear Sagar,
I think it is important that you soul search and figure out why this is bothering you so much.  Yes, it is important to be physically attracted to a person in order to have a fulfilling relationship.  Is it the most important thing in a relationship?? Not in my opinion, but still important... otherwise all you have is a friendship.  Please do not disrupt her life because you are feeling that you want to be close to her even though you aren't sexually attracted to her.... its been a long time and she has probably started to heal from the breakup so don't try to get back in her life for you to not feel guilty because that would be very unfair..... Love her from a distance... and if you don't feel it ~ you never will.....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again,
your answer to my question was very helpful, thnx for that. but nowadays im still feeling guilty of her. ive ruined her life
one of m frnd was telling that she realy cant forget u & cant even imagine a guy in her life other than u. & he said ur so 'shallow minded' that word hurt me a lot.
am i thinking so shallow according to u?
plz tell. im thinking im a bloody criminal.

Answer
Dear Sagar,
By no means are you a bloody criminal.  You can't be in a relationship with someone that you are not physically attracted to ~ shallow or not ~ Now, with that said.... looks aren't the most important thing in a relationship, but if you are not physically attracted to her and can't kiss her or be into it intimately.... there is no relationship.... It is not your fault that she is feeling the way that she is feeling.  We get into relationships wanting to see where it goes and how we feel about someone... We don't get into a relationship promising that person that we are going to spend the rest of our lives with them ~ that is what dating is all about.  She has to move on with her life and deal with the situation.  Is it shallow??? Maybe, but it's what you feel and what you need for a healthy relationship..... Stop beating yourself up.  Now if you go back with her knowing that you aren't physically attracted to her and out of guilt that would be wrong because in the end she will be extremely hurt.   Good Luck...