Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/30/2009

Question
I'm a 47 yr old female, my ex-fiancee is 37.  We were together 3 years, engaged for 1.5 years.  We met while he was here visiting family, fell in love, and he never left.  But he's hated living here, hated his job, his boss, the weather, the people...pretty much everything.  While our relationship was wonderful, that was enough to keep him here and happy.  When we started having problems, he had nothing here that made him happy and he really began missing his home. Our problems never seemed that huge to me, and I certainly didn't think we couldn't work thru them, but a few months ago he told me he was considering moving back home to "help his family" who were having financial and other crises.  I knew and he finally admitted that his main reason for leaving was because our relationship wasn't going well and he wasn't happy.  He still told me every day how much he loved me, and we continued to live together for another 6 weeks after the decision was made that he was leaving. When the date for his departure came, he kept asking for another few days because he just wasn't emotionally ready to leave me.  Finally I told him he had to go if he was going to, and amid tears and promises to "figure some things out and come back" he finally left.  That was a month ago today.  Since then, we've spoken regularly by phone.  The calls range from him telling me how much he loves and misses me and is thinking of coming home one day, to telling me that he isn't sure if we can work out our problems the next.  But he kept telling me to give him time, not to give up on us.  Finally, I sent him a letter saying that this waiting thing wasn't working for me, too hard emotionally, and that we should move on with our lives with no expectations of each other.  He was upset by this letter.  The last time we spoke he said he was dealing with some depression, was missing me, thinks he made a mistake in leaving me, and has been doing alot of thinking about coming back.  BUT...then he went on to say that he hasn't definitely decided to return yet because he's not sure we can work out our problems and he doesn't want to put both of us thru this again.  I told him that if he comes back it's got to be with a commitment to TRY to fix things, and with a clean slate...meaning we forgive one another for hurting each other in the past.  After that call, I realized that he's still not telling me anything he hasn't said before, still hasn't made a decision, and yet managed to ascertain that I am still waiting and hoping that he'll return.  Made me mad at myself. By the way, we are still pretty entangled in some ways...meaning we still have a joint bank account that we both still use, still have a joint cell phone account, his brother's electricity bill is still under my name, etc...  Also, as for the problems that he keeps referring to...basically it's that he thinks I'm too controlling.  I admit that I am.  But I'll also tell you that he's not the most motivated guy in the world, has little ambition, few plans for the future other than us moving together back to his home state, and not the best work ethic.  So, yes, my expectations are high and I have tried to push him to want and get more than he already has.  And the question might be why would I love a guy like this, and it comes down to the fact that he's the kindest, most loving, gentlest man I've ever met and when things were good between us, they were amazing.  So I guess I have a couple of questions.  Is there something that I could do to get him off the fence and make him want to come home?  Or do you think that he's just trying to string me along until he makes a decision?  

Answer
Dear Cindy,
The only way he can string you along is if you ALLOW him to.  Right now you are making things easy for him... he is able to basically do what he wants.  Get him off your accounts (all of them).... cut all of these ties that are giving you hope that maybe the 2 of you are going to fix things.  Your right that the only way things can work is if you both started with a clean slate, but it takes time to do that and having continuous contact with him does nothing for either of you.  It doesn't give him the opportunity to miss you nor does it give you the time to accept that things are over.  From this day forward ~ I would not take his calls, emails, or texts.  I would remove him from everything... he made the choice to leave so he can do what he needs to do.... you don't have to warn him just do it... Then, start getting busy with your own life.  You are not going to make him be more ambitious or motivated... you have to either accept him for how he is or find someone that you are more compatible with.  It is going to hurt and you are going to need some time to recover but keep yourself very very busy..... If he misses you enough ~ nothing will stop him from letting you know how he is feeling and wanting to make the necessary changes to be with you.  Good Luck