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About ***ERICA***
Expertise
A breakup can be one of the most painful experiences in life. Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee ~ it hurts. It requires a lot of personal reflection and change. It's never easy. I will tell you that I am extremely blunt and honest in my answers. I WILL NOT answer any questions asked by anyone under the age of 18. If you are looking for someone to sugarcoat the truth ~ please ask someone else. Also, I am only giving you my expert advice ~ I am not a fortune teller ~ I cannot predict the future and my main focal point is to help you get through a very difficult time because I have been there. XOXO
Experience
BBA
Expert in the How to Attract that Man of Your Dreams
Engaged numerous times ~ grew from a self destructive person to a healthy woman.
Hope to have helped many people go through this extremely difficult time.
Firm believer in the book/movie: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU and SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU ~ it is that simple
Education/Credentials
BBA
MBA
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups > ex-boyfriend is confusing me
Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/3/2009
Question
Hi. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me last September. Actually, I initially broke up with him because I became frustrated and fed up with his immature behavior. He's still in college but instead of driving 45 minutes back home to see me (which he used to do at least twice a month), he recently would rather stay around university and go out and party with his friends. He has gone back to smoking cigarettes and marijuana which i am completely against. He is 25 years old and clearly reverting back to his old ways instead of growing forward with me (I already graduated and am working full time in my career). The day after I broke up with him, I did some thinking, calmed down and called him to work things out. He told me he would rather stay broken up because he no longer has the energy nor does he want the responsibility of being in a committed relationship with me. He kept saying he still loved me and wanted to marry me one day but he didn't want to be with me right now. He asked me to wait 8 months until he graduated from college, in which case he would try to work things out again.
For the next couple of days, he would call me, I would pick up. He would tell me he loved me. My friends told me this was unhealthy so I stopped picking up his calls and answering his texts. One week later, he called me and said he wanted to clarify how he felt. He said he knew he was being selfish, acting like a kid, and that he needed to grow on his own in order to treat a girl like me right. He said he hopes we would meet again in the near future under better circumstances. Again he states he still loves me. I told him not to contact me again and I wished him the best.
The next day he called me and said everything he said yesterday was the right thing to say but he said it didn't feel right. He said he didn't want to lose me, that I was the best thing that's ever happened to him, that i was the best girlfriend, that he loves me and is scared that at the end of all this we won't end up together again. I said we needed to take a long time apart from each other and work on ourselves. He asked for a "long break" but i told him I refuse to wait around like a dog. Then we hung up the phone. An hour later he texted me "I still love you and i still want to marry you some day."
A few days later he called but i didn't pick up. 2 days later I texted him "good luck on your exam". He said his studying was going miserably so i gave him some words of encouragement and he said thank you. The next day after his exam he texted me and thanked me for being his motivation and inspiration, supporting him and putting up with him for 2 years. He said he is going to take this time to cultivate himself so he could be where I am some day, and that he hopes to return the favor one day. (i have no idea what that means) In any case, I did not text back.
The next day he texted me and told me he passed the exam. I didn't text back. 2 days later he tried calling me again, i didn't pick up his call. 2 days later was halloween so he texted me and said "if ur going out tonight, be careful and be smart. Either way I hope you're safe and sound. I miss you x(". I didn't text back.
And that leads me to my question...what is going on? He keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me but...apparently not right now. He broke up with me because he said he didn't want to be selfish and string me along but i feel he is saying these things in order to ensure that i am still around for when he is "good and ready" to be with me again...which pretty much means he is still trying to string me along. Am i doing the right thing by ignoring his calls? Do you think he is genuine? I am finding difficulty believing him because if he is so intent on "cultivating" himself and "growing up", why is he partying so much, going out so much, smoking weed, flirting with girls, etc. (I know this information because we have mutual friends). What should I do?
Answer
Dear Alisa,
He is stringing you along. If he wanted to be with you ~ he would be. He wouldn't be selfish and he would change his actions to show you that he wants to be with you. He is definitely not that into you and consider yourself lucky that he didn't get back together with you when you initially broke up with him. A MAN who wants to be with you ~ wants to spend time with you ~ wants to better his life so he can be a great partner.... The kind of behavior described in your email definitely doesn't show that. Let him go and move on with your life. If the time comes when he is making a hard and long effort to be with you then you can entertain the idea of talking to him again, but anything short of that ~ don't waste your time. You are TOO GOOD FOR THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. YOU DESERVE BETTER ~ actually, even being alone is better than feeling lonely with someone. Give yourself a chance to enjoy your own life... Maybe just maybe after spending some time alone you are going to find someone as FABULOUS as you are..... NO CONTACT is the best and easiest way to go.... There are going to be painful times when you miss him, but remind yourself about the way he has treated you and you will get through it... Good Luck
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