Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Erica,Thank you for spending time to help me. currently my ex bf and me back together after 10 months broke up (he was the one broke up with me) and two months of no contact as he told me he always miss me, and think about me and ask me to spend sometime with him, we did spent time together, he embraced me, kissed me and told me that he miss me so much he wanted to have sex with me but I controlled myself and told him that it not the time for sex yet between two of us, if we do we will enjoy it very much later as I thought myself that I didn't want to jump back so quickly. He told me that he never forget about me and think of me frequently, I also confided to him that it was very hard for me to forget him as before he was a very caring lover, so we did spend a nice and intimacy time together without sex, he wanted to spend the whole night with me but I didn't want to as I thought we just started things again so I would like to take things slowly, we parted way after spending about more than 2 hours together, the next following day he didn't mesg me (he always mesg me before whenever after we spent time together), so I mesg him and asked if he arrived home safely last night, he replied to me like to a friend, the next day after that he never mesg me either, I did mesg him again to ask him how was his day so far, he replied to me again as a friend and when I ask him if he missed me he said "of course i do miss you, my love", he suggested me to mesg each other as he worked on night shift yesterday, we did chat to each other through instant mesg on our phone and then he just suddenly become quiet without telling any reason (I knew I didn't say anything wrong in my mesg), eventhough i asked him what happen but receive no reply form him since last night. I actually don't know what happen with him, what he did actually has in his mind? how come just one day he made me felt like he really loved me and wanted to be with me and then the next following days he made me felt like I was the one who followed him, felt like i was the stalker. What can I do now as i really want to work things out between us but I don't want to be stringed along or played game to? It's really a painful situation, and I'm in the middle of my final exam as well, thank you very much for your time and your support."



ANSWER: Dear Quang,
Focus on your final exams and jump for joy that you didn't have sex with him.  This is a clear ~ very clear indication that he just isn't that into you.... unfortunately.  You were smart enough to not have sex with him and imagine if you had so please be grateful for that.  Also, STOP initiating contact with him.  If he wants to find you ~ he will and he should be practically begging you to be with him since he was the one who broke off the relationship.  I understand that you want answers, but he is giving you the most definite answer which is that he doesn't care enough to call or message you.  So... my question to you is??? Why beg him??? Why chase after him??? He is putting forth NO EFFORT.  If he wanted to be with you then he would be calling and asking you to spend time with him.  I think that he just wanted to see if he could sleep with you that evening and told you everything that you wanted to hear.  His actions aren't showing you what a man does when he cares.... Focus on your exams and put an end to this.... You aren't going to feel good about yourself if you stay in this.... HAVE NO CONTACT and STICK to it.... If he wants you bad enough he will show you how much he wants to be with you over an extended period of time.... When we have to question how they feel that typically means that they don't care..... Good Luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Erica, my ex bf this afternoon mesg me said sorry that he couldn't mesg me on last friday due to he was so tired of working straight 24 hrs from thursd to friday. I haven't replied to him yet as I think to myself that eventhought when he at worked he still could have his break and he could mesg me during his break too to let me know why he had to stop mesg with me in the middle of thursday night, so I thought his tiredness was not a good excuse for him, the main thing is he may didn't care enough about me. we just on the way slowly come back together and i really don't want to put the fullstop between us because i do really love him and want thing to work out between us, do you think I should ask him why did he just suddenly stop mesg since thursd and let him know how bad i feel about this or I should just keep quiet and ignore him? what should i do? thanks a lot for spending your time to give me advice.

Answer
I think you should stop everything all together..... You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.  Short term pain is worth a long term gain.... If you stop messaging him ~ if you stop texting him ~ if you don't answer his calls ~ he will have to make a decision and will do anything to have you in his life.  By asking him questions does nothing ~ he can give you any excuse in the world whether its the truth or not and you come across as a nagging person.  Therefore, don't ask him anything... I just don't see anything good coming out of this if you continue to be in contact with him.... He knows how you feel, he does what he wants, he gives you attention when he feels like it, etc..... Being tired is AN EXCUSE ~ it's ALSO A SIGN that he just isn't that into you!! He may care about you as a person, but he is putting forth almost NO EFFORT to be with you ~ he is throwing you crumbs and you are accepting them while begging for the whole cake.... Staying status quo you will never get the whole cake..... Good Luck...