Expert: Julie - 11/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Julie, How are you? Hope you enjoy your holiday. I'm the one who ask you questions about "join ex facebook" before, currently my ex bf and me back together after a long time of no contact as he told me he always miss me, and think about me and ask me to spend sometime with him, we did spent time together, he embraced me, kissed me and told me that he miss me so much he wanted to have sex with me but I controlled myself and told him that it not the time for sex yet between two of us, if we do we will enjoy it very much later as I thought myself that I didn't want to jump back so quickly. He told me that he never forget about me and think of me frequently, I also confided to him that it was very hard for me to forget him as before he was a very caring lover, so we did spend a nice and intimacy time together without sex, he wanted to spend the whole night with me but I didn't want to as I thought we just started things again so I would like to take things slowly, we parted way after spending about more than 2 hours together, the next following day he didn't mesg me (he always mesg me before whenever after we spent time together), so I mesg him and asked if he arrived home safely last night, he replied to me like to a friend, the next day after that he never mesg me either, I did mesg him again to ask him how was his day so far, he replied to me again as a friend and when I ask him if he missed me he said "of course i do miss you, my love", he suggested me to mesg each other as he worked on night shift yesterday, we did chat to each other through instand mesg on our phone and then he just suddenly become quiet without telling any reason (I knew I didn't say anything wrong in my mesg), eventhough i asked him what happen but receive no reply form him since last night. Julie, I actually don't know what happen with him, what he did actually has in his mind? how come just one day he made me felt like he really loved me and wanted to be with me and then the next following days he made me felt like I was the one who followed him, felt like i was the stalker. What can I do now Julie? It's really a painful situation, and I'm in the middle of my final exam as well, thank you very much for your time and your support.

ANSWER: Hello again, sorry to hear nothings changed. I think that he got what he wanted from you, got the reassurance you still care about him and want him and that was enough to boost his ego so he was able to push you away again. Of course its a painful situation, because this keeps happening over and over again, with the same results.
You really need to cut him off completely unless he comes to you and tells you he wants to work things out and get back together.  Otherwise trust me this is going to continue for as long as you allow it. He'll never have any incentive of getting back together with you as long as he knows he can have you at his beck and call. The only way he'll want to come back is if he feels like he's losing you. He'll say anything to keep you stringing along for his own benefit..
Trust me i've had ex boyfriends chase me then when they got what they wanted, same thing..next day they are distant again..that went on until I put a stop to it. And thats what you need to do.

Good luck on your final exam!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much Julie for your quickly reply, you are right, this situation is last for more than 10 months already and i really feel tired, I do want thing to work out between us, I don't know whether I'm not patient enough or actually my ex bf is playing game with me. This afternoon he mesg me again said sorry that he couldn't mesg me on last friday due to he was so tired of working straight 24 hrs from thursd to friday. I haven't replied to him yet as I think to myself that eventhought when he at worked he still could have his break and he could mesg me during his break too to let me know why he had to stop mesg with me in the middle of thursday night, so I thought his tiredness was not a good excuse for him, the main thing is he may didn't care enough about me. we just on the way slowly come back together and i really don't want to put the fullstop between us because i do really love him and want thing to work out , I do really want to give him the last chance to explain to me why he acted like that to me? do you think I should ask him why did he just suddenly stop mesg since thursd and let him know how bad i feel about this or I should just keep quiet and ignore him? because if I ignore him now, that mean I totally give up on him as I think myself if this time thing does not go well between us, I don't want to give it another try later in the future as it is too hard for me to cope. Julie, what should i do? thanks a lot for spending your time to give me advice.

Answer
If I were you I wouldn't question him. The bottom line is, if he really had intentions of working things out with you he would do everything he could in his power to do whatever it takes to work things out. Not just have some excuse why he couldn't message you. Sorry but a guy who is really interested in working things out is going to message you no matter what. The thing is he knows he can put you on the backburner and your still going to be there for him. Even if you ignore him for awhile, he knows he just has to say the right things and you will still be there for him, with hope. He knows this and I guarantee he's stringing you along right now and has been for the last ten months. Not sure what his intent is, maybe he'll want to eventually work things out, maybe not. But for right now, he's leaving you on the backburner and you deserve far better than that.
A guy who really wants to be with a girl, will do anything to be with her, and he's not showing you that. Don't be afraid to step back and ignore him..its not like your going to lose him by doing that. If he wants you, and your ignoring him, he will seek you out. But be careful because it seems he'll seek you out, tell you what you want to hear and then go back to his life and putting you last on his list of priorities. You have to ask yourself if this is something you want to continue doing because it will continue for as long as you allow it. You need to set up boundaries with him. Let him know you want to work things out but that you need a commitment, and leave it at that. And I wouldn't give him any chances unless he is serious about a commitment.


good luck