Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/20/2009

Question
Erica,
I've had very little dating experience. My first real relationship lasted two years and ended horribly. After being hurt by another guy before a relationship could really start, I decided to give internet dating a try. Very soon after joining a dating site, a guy contacted me. We had tons in common and I loved hearing from him. He asked if I wanted to meet up, so we did. We instantly hit it off and found we had even more in common. In fact, I've never met any one I had so much in common with. There seemed to be an instant attraction to each other. We called or texted each other every day after meeting, and we would hang out every day he had off from work. Even though he lived an hour away, he would come see me even if only for an hour. I've never have anyone pursue me like that...it's always been me doing most of the work, even in my relationships with my friends. Soon he started asking me about making us "official". At first I wasn't sure...things seemed to be going rather quickly. But the more he pursued the more I started to trust that he was being genuine. So I agreed to make us "an item". Things were great...we would take turns visiting each other. A week into our new relationship he told me he loved me. I had only said that the one other guy before, and he knew that, so I take it seriously. I wasn't sure what to say...I felt it was too soon. But I was crazy about him and had been fighting the urge to say it myself, so I told him I loved him too. And I meant it. At first I felt it was a little odd to be in a relationship again, but the more time I spent with him, to more comfortable I got with the idea. He was always telling me how amazing I was and how fantastic I made him feel and how he thought I was a "real catch". He told me that he had never met anyone that was a complete package and that I was a rare find for him. I was being completely swept off my feet.
We dated about a month. Everything seemed great! He started talking about buying my family Christmas presents, and talking about NEXT Christmas. It seemed he had thought about us being long-term and was fine with the idea.
Then this past Friday we got into a discussion about marriage. We had talked about it a little bit before. He told me he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to get married, but he had thought about how he would propose to someone, and had even already thought about how he would propose to me. Which made me think there may be hope for a proposal, even though I was still trying to figure out if I wanted to marry him. But Friday was different. It was a more definite "no" from him. I got emotional, as I suddenly realized that we would probably eventually break-up because of it. But I didn't want to just yet (nor did he) as I was still holding out hope that maybe the idea of "forever" scared him and maybe he'd get over it if we spent more time together. I told him how much he meant to me, how he was quickly becoming one of my best friends...we had a discussion about my last relationship and how I felt like I never truly loved the guy as I had never felt I could give up my life for him, and I've always heard when you truly love someone you would die for that person. Before I could tell him how I felt about him, he told me he would take a bullet for me. I told him I felt the same way about him.
Everything still seemed fine the next day. I went to see him. He was having a party later that night that I wanted to stay for but couldn't because I had had a horrible headache all day. The next day we talked and he told me he had fun, that they had drank, played video games and truth or dare.
Monday came. We talked on the phone before he went into work like we always did. Things still seemed fine. I texted him before I went to bed just telling him I was thinking of him and hoping he was having a good night. Usually he would have immediately replied. But by Tuesday morning I still hadn't heard from him. So I called him to make sure things hadn't changed between us.
Suddenly things are completely different. He told me he had been thinking a lot about things and he felt he saw me more as a best friend than a lover. Not at ALL what I was expecting to hear. He said there were a lot of things he loved about me, but he wasn't "in love" with me. It had only been a month! I wasn't "in love" with him, either...although I felt like I was certainly falling for him. He said he felt like he led me on and I took things more seriously than he was. How could I not? With all of the wonderful, meaningful, deep things he was saying to me in our relationship it certainly seemed like he was being pretty serious about it. He also told me that it seemed I was more laid-back and not much of a partier...I'm not. He knew that from the beginning. Although I do like to party, I don't like to get too wild or drunk...but I had wanted to stay for the party he had, I just felt too horrible and wanted to go to bed. AND he had told me at the beginning that he had been wilder in his younger days, but felt he was older than all of that now. Suddenly, it's an issue and he wants to party more.
I'm devastated...heartbroken. How can I trust any one now? How can I trust even guys that seem crazy about me? And I feel like he wasn't being completely honest with me when he broke up. But I don't know what happened. Did he get scared? Did something happen with another girl at his party and he was afraid to tell me? I just can't get how someone can seem so crazy about a person for over a month, then suddenly only see them as a friend? How does someone go from seeing long-term with a person, to suddenly ending it? I just can't turn my feelings for a person on and off like that.
What do you think? Thanks for listening/reading.

Answer
Dear Amy,
We all want to feel needed and cared about and find that soul mate.  Your gut instinct was screaming out to you hear.... It was telling you that something wasn't right, but you went with it anyway ~ doubting your gut instinct.  He was doing and saying all of the right things, but we don't really know someone until some time has passed.  When a guy says that he doesn't want to get married that means he doesn't want to marry us.  Because I know plenty of guys who have said that they have not wanted to get married and end up married.  It is best to proceed with caution although difficult to do because we get caught up in these "moments."  Don't beat yourself up to much and if that is the way that he feels there is nothing you can do about it.  Have NO CONTACT with him... Unfortunately, you are going to have to go through some frogs before you find a prince... You will be able to trust someone just choose wisely.  Good Luck... Get over this and find someone FABULOUS!!