Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/16/2009

Question



  A year ago I was in a relationship for two years and we were very much in love. We were only in our early twenties yet I had been in relationships since I was 15 and couldn’t be single, and he was under a lot of pressure financially and professionally. I had depression and we both resented each other for stopping our individual progress.


So we split – it was extremely hard on both of us because we still loved each other. Whenever we’d bump into each other, every one or two months, we would cuddle and be very affectionate. But memories of the breakup were too fresh and we needed time to flourish on our own. I finally felt good being single,  became independent and confident and a lot of great things  happened to me. I got over my depression. He kept moving further into his career and is now doing very well.

His friends  told me he was still thinking of me, and he emailed me a few times, asking to meet but I refused each time. Eventually I told him we should have a proper break from each other to get over the breakup, so we did.

A year later, we haven’t spoken in four months and we meet randomly. We get on extremely well and are fully over the breakup. We are no longer resentful, and we are OK with knowing the other’s seen other people over a year. But we are not over each other it seems, as we spend a few days together, and it seems the 4 months not talking haven’t even been. He is very affectionate and loving and is very happy with my progress and happiness, I am so proud of him too. We are still very much attracted to each other and the chemistry is still there. He says he misses me so much and thinks of me constantly. Deep down I feel the same but I am afraid of telling reciprocating these things he says, from fear he’d reject me.

I know, and always known that I love him. No one else compares, yet I knew I was more important and needed to sort my life out first. I know I can be fine without him, but now I see how much we’ve grown, it feels silly being apart. He also knew how to be selfish and focus 100% on his career at that point. But now we are both  real adults, I guess deciding to give up on love to focus on self-development changed us a lot and pushed us to succeed in our own lives. I don’t know whether I should ask him to give it another try, I am so scared of rejection since the break-up. He is very busy professionally, but it wouldn’t bother me now since I am also very busy and have a lot going on for me. Also, my family and friends do not like him at all and say he’s not good enough for me, physically, intellectually and he tends to be irritable and antisocial with others when stressed. I don’t want to lose their trust.

Should I try to give this another try? And how can I approach this with him?


Any advice would me appreciated.


Answer
Dear Leila,
If you really want to know whether or not he wants to be with you ~ these random meeting up's isn't a good idea because then he knows that you still care.  If you just don't answer those requests and stop being in an "ok" place when you know you really aren't with the present situation only then will it change.... Short term pain for long term gain.  AND DO NOT ask him to give it another try.... Men are hunters... they will chase... let him ask you if he is feeling that way.  My guess is that he isn't feeling that way yet or feeling that way enough.... You need to be patient, but don't keep doing the things that you are doing because that isn't getting you anywhere.  Once you stop meeting up with him and being his "friend" then and only then will you get the answers you want.... The worst thing that happens = you go your seperate ways for good and it wasn't meant to be but you are able to move on.... The best thing that happens = he comes back to you and then you know that he really wanted to be with you.  Good Luck